A Jolly Carnival

its been a year..

2009-04-09T00:29:00.000-07:00

people still think i'm brave and strong
i wish they knew what really goes on (or just tell them to shove it)

i dont want to miss you anymore
i dont want to remember how you take your drinks
or how you light a stick
or how you like your food, or how you like to dress
how you take hours in the shower
and how you made up a song to hold my hand
i dont want to remember what you used to call me
or the things you bought me
or the late mornings you'd make my coffee
i don't want to remember how you talk in your sleep or how you crawl under the covers
i don't want to remember your favourite songs
or your favourite movies
or your favourite football team

i dont want to remember the yelling, and the fighting
and the hurt and the crying

I dont want to look around my room and see you in everything
You have your stamp on all my favourites
my favourite restaurants, my favourite celebrations, my favourite songs, even my favourite people too

I need to peel your labels off, labels of me and you
i hate that i still see you in everything i do

We made life together
We also ripped the worst out of each other

We loved each other and we hurt each other with equal intensity
I don't know if i'll ever go down that path again
You're one step ahead of me

He told me
Its ok to remember it as the saddest part of my life
but i dont have to live life sad
he always gets it right, and i miss him the most right now
you're not even here anymore and he catches me everytime you make me fall
he's the only person in this whole world who will never 'break up' with me

I hate what this has made me
I used to love weddings, I can't bear to sit through one anymore
I used to believe in eternity, its easier to throw a cynic's laugh now
I used to think honesty won you everything, honesty lost me everything
I don't give credit, I don't care, and I don't trust

People tell me the best is yet to come
Truly, its just the rest that are yet to come

I look around and realize how different life is
I look around and realize how still life is..

Sometimes

2008-10-10T10:49:00.000-07:00

...you just need to have a really good cry..

You cry a little, you drink a little

2008-09-18T08:51:00.000-07:00

and then you look out for the familiar faces to catch you when you fall..

Somebody told me today, that the only way to live life to the fullest, is to do the things you want to do and then let it unfold - to not over think it and not to force things, we can enable it, but we cannot force it.

We can enable it, but we cannot force it. I think that's just so clever.

Most times we don't do things because we fear breaking out of a comfort zone, or we fear losing someone, or we fear looking stupid. We look for an excuse not to go ahead and execute our true desires, because we fear something as stupid as what other people might think. Worse still, we convince ourselves on why we shouldn't purely based on fear. Harshly put, you want something so bad, but you're just too chicken shit to give it a shot.

I don't believe in having to live through a destiny, I believe you make your own destiny.

So what if we put ourselves out there for something we really want, and people think we're a little nuts. At least you can turn around and say 'hey, I tried'.

So here's what i'm going to do. I'm going to learn to live, love, lust and laugh with passion.

And if you respond like i'm a psycho freak, then its an adjudication of you not me, because at least i'll know i'm giving it my all.

you cry a little, you drink a little, you let them catch you, eventually you'll be true to yourself and get what you desired, otherwise you'd have still been true to yourself and you move on...

Really..

2008-08-19T08:14:00.000-07:00

Correct me if i'm wrong, but isn't it a norm for people to smile in photos? Seriously, its not really common practice to take 'kodak' moments of people crying or sulking or feeling like life is in the pits isn't it..

Why do people keep finding the need to tell me how good it is to see me smiling in my photos? Do you really think its encouraging, or comforting?

It's just as bad as saying 'i know what you're going through' because you fucking don't..

Is it really such a big deal that i choose not to sit at home in a dark corner and cry my eyes out, or walk the classic stereotype of a broken hearted girl?

I wish people would stop telling me how brave I am, or how strong I am, or how happy I look...

There are those of you who really can make me smile, and that I love you for, and wish I had more of you..and I love even more how you don't keep telling me that i'm smiling..

But those of you who come out of nowhere..and think you're being concerned or supportive, stop it. Because you just don't know. And it hurts even more every time you think you're helping.

Half Empty or Half Full..

2008-07-27T08:34:00.000-07:00

I’m not really a big believer of signs. I’m tempted to take everything that happens around me as signs towards how my life should be directed hence forth, I then realize for that to happen I need to have some remote idea of where I want it to go at least. Otherwise signs just seem negative regardless of how positively they’re being injected into daily activity.

I wonder, if one knows that the direction they are heading in isn’t something that will necessarily end well, with things around them happening to somewhat support that idea, if they’re able to merely tell themselves enough times that it will be well, whether it will really be well. And if they do enough things to counter that instinct that it isn’t going well, will the gods get together and make things a happy little ending, just because one tried hard enough, and repeated it like a mantra in ones head..but didn’t really believe enough?

You want to believe that if you tried hard enough for something it will work out for you, but if it doesn’t, you don’t know if you should stop believing or stop trying.

Which is worse, having no idea where you’re going, or knowing that something isn’t right and yet going towards it? Or knowing that its a 50/50 and not sure if you want it to go well or not so well..? Hmmm..?

Going along

2008-07-24T09:25:00.000-07:00

I thought picking up the dress would be the finality of things. But returning his things carries a whole different kind of sting.

I couldn't bear to look at it when it was hanging in my wardrobe, but now I keep peeping through the doors hoping to find the bright orange suit jacket.

Things should just be things, and not stand for so many symbolic meanings. At least I wish I could look at it that way..

I am sappy. I am emotional. When I give myself to something I give my all. When my all isn't enough, the hardest part is picking up the pieces as I go along.

And with the help of you, you and you.. I am going along.

I guess its time I came out of hiding.

2008-04-28T02:03:00.000-07:00

And say it out loud. The marriage is not happening anymore and it’s something I will take with me for the rest of my life. Though how the relationship ended saddens me, I’m comforted knowing that love was still present between us when it ended.

Sadly, this is not the movies and love doesn’t conquer all.

I am not brave or strong, I am just a good actress. I am living that story you watch in the movies and you say this never happens in real life. And then it happens to me, and I wish it had a fairy tale ending too.

I appreciate everyone’s kind words and support, I wish I didn’t walk around like I am numb to everything going on. I wish I could wear my heart on my sleeve again.

I finally packed away the wedding things, without shedding tears, but my heart never felt so heavy before.
I don’t have to stop the car and cry alone anymore, because I’m telling myself to look at the good times we’ve had, and I try to smile at those memories.
I don’t have to stay away from home because I fear being alone.
I can read his text messages and wonder how it would be if responses had been different without getting angry.
I will not remove his pictures from my office table, because I do not have to yet.
I will not give his shirt back to him, because it still has his smell on it, and no matter what has happened between us, I want to remember that.
The ring stares at me every morning as I get dressed, and it will serve as a reminder to where the road less traveled by will eventually take me.
I don’t know where I am going or what I am going to do, I don’t know if I really know what not being Aji’s girlfriend anymore really feels like even.
I will not pick up my wedding dress until I really really can, because not being able to wear that dress ever signifies the finality of all this.

I hate when people ask me how I am doing, because I honestly don’t know how to answer that question. I can pretend to smile, to laugh, to talk a lot.. I hide behind ‘dealing with this and wanting to move on’. I don’t know how to act when you lose love.. because no matter how difficult it was, you can’t pretend to love.

It's been confirmed

2008-03-15T21:18:00.000-07:00

The first step towards Aji and I signing half, if not all our lifes to each other.

We both have exactly three months, thats 12 weeks, thats 90 days to get being single out of our system...hahaha

I am sappy this V-Day, but for a very different reason..

2008-02-15T01:19:00.000-08:00

i know i know, valentines day is over rated and prices are hiked and whatever nonsense. All the radios can talk about is how girls want to be romanced and men dont understand girls. Big mystery it needs hours of airtime on multiple national stations.

I miss Logan the most today. No, we didn't used to have v-day traditions, fact I don't think we even wished each other when he was here. Its just that..v-day is supposed to be when you cherish those you love most right? I guess I just miss him much.

It kind of worries me, that i'm getting used to him being thousands of miles away. I hated it when he was first leaving, and I thought i'd never be able to rationalize that better opportunities are there and not here and that it makes more sense for him to go then stay. I remember how a few months after he left, i met with a tiny accident and the first thing I did was to call him all the way in Korea, not like he could actuallly do anything but i just needed the comfort.

I realised while saree shopping that I want to have him around while doing wedding stuff. Not just to help me decide on stuff, but because I always had him in the picture when i imagined planning for the wedding, not just sending him email updates and ranting over the phone. It doesn't feel right. I mean, its my wedding -- he was around for every other tiny (read: annae i need money to top up my phone) and gargantous (read: sitting in a car park wailing cause he broke my heart) thing that happened in my life and it sucks that he's not part of planning my wedding. I know I need to be adult about it and not make such a big deal about it, especially when its considered a good thing, but I don't like how life moves on like normal, and we're thousands of miles apart.

The trip to korea in august was really bittersweet for me, watching how he had settled in and done good for himself made me happy but at the same time was realization that he may not be coming back to KL as soon as i hoped he would. Selfishly, I wanted him to drop it and come home but at the same time I was awfully proud watching what he has done for himself, all by himself so far away from everyone who loves him.

Anyway, i'm not going to pretend to not be a baby about this. I miss him. I will always be a baby when it comes to him ( annae cannot scold me or not give me what i want cos thats just how its always been and how it will always be, ok!). Happy v-day annea, i heart you lots!

No poofy stuff please, thank you!

2008-01-27T07:26:00.000-08:00

I never was into the whole studio dress up in outlandish costumes stand in weird embaressing poses photo thing. I cannot imagine Aji and I dolled up, seated on huge chairs pretending like we want to document looking like a pair of goons getting hitched in the Victorian days. Worst still, with the digital imaging the studios tend to do now, they might just place that shot in the middle of the clouds somewhere. And then pay an exorbitant amount for it.

What we do want, is a good photographer to capture moments during the event itself, when we're not made to look into each other eyes, but actually are because we want to.

BUT, I realised that, as most things go, sometimes you need to do things to make other people happy. And I know for a fact that our parents would love to have those shots of us, to frame and hang in the living rooms and to tell everyone who visits about it. And I also know most of the times the folks are right, so when they say we'd look back and be glad we did this they probably know what they're talking about. So i guess we could meet them halfway and find a reasonable package which would allow us to maybe, dictate the kind of shots we want and create a not so corny album ( I'm hoping thats not too much to ask).

So a visiting I went today, to bridal houses. And man! these packages really cost a whole lot of good money! And all of them seem to think its so cool to make the couple stand in silly poses and place them on even sillier backgrounds. Complaining aside, i had a slight, just a slight change of heart in taking studio shots as I walked around and saw the happy faces of my mom and cousins and also, the happy faces on the mega huge framed shots on display. Funny how pics of complete strangers running through a padi field in wedding attire made me feel warm and fuzzy inside. So now, I'm on the hunt for a reasonable package, which wouldn't dress/make me up like a geisha and allow me to say how I want the photos taken.

I also, tried on some wedding dresses and evening gowns. I learnt a few things. One, that my breasts were too big to fit ANY of the many dresses i put on. Two, my mother tries very hard to let me wear the styles I want and to cover it up some (why don't you try a coatie over that dress ah), Three, sales women at bridal houses should absolutely not tell customers to start slimming down (hmph!) and Four, no poofy stuff for me please, I am not into the cinderella come hide under my dress thing.

Who knew trying on dresses could be such an event. My cousins and mom had a ball, picking stuff out for me and watching me parade dresses that were too long and too small at the chest, and giggling about how wonderful weddings are. As giddy as it makes me sound, I am a bit more excited about this now, and I think i've finally decided on the kind of dress I want to wear for the dinner.

So as of now I have

venue confirmed
date confirmed
door gifts bought
guest list semi confirmed
idea for dress taking form
groom confirmed

Progress, we are making!

My New Year's resolution is to be learn/try to be as strong as my mother.

2008-01-07T08:23:00.000-08:00

I know everyone says this about their moms, that they are the most amazing people they have ever known. And my mother truly truly is.

I've been talking to my mom a lot lately, on a more personal level. I always knew my mom was the rock that keeps this family going, and the glue that keeps us so close. She's always played mediator between us and my dad, and between my dad and his family even. She still supports every member of her family in more ways then just emotionally and at 59, she's still got what it takes to be passionate about whats most important to her next to her family, social work.

Recently though, she's started sharing more of her feelings with me, telling me things that happened way before my brother and I were conceived when she and my dad where fighting to be married, right up to how she deals with the temperimental man she's married to for the past 32 years and wouldnt call it anything less then happy years.

History is kind of repeating itself at the moment. And what i am going through now isnt even close to the magnitude my mom had to put up with those years ago. Even so, I am already so shaken emotionally, and though it is me who should be strong and hard willed, I'm leaning on her for support. And she takes it all in. Not a single tear, and not a single falter of optimism, not a single sign of weakness. I heart my mother SO much!

Cranky

2007-12-27T06:38:00.000-08:00

Coming to you live from the LCCT, where i have been for the past four hours waiting for my flight to bangkok which has been deleyaed for the past two. Still no real sign of when we will be boarding and the crowd is getting restless. At least they gave us one get out of jail free card to strecth our legs and we came back to McChickens and mineral water. How very considerate of them.

And before this there was tiny drama and many heart beats cos i found out i had less then 6 months left on my passport. Nice uncle here let me travel, lets hope the folks in Thailand are just as kind.

My ass aches and i'm surviving on four hours of sleep from last night. I cant bloody wait for my bed in the hotel.

Merry Christmas y'all. What a blasted stroke of year end bad luck.

My momma the planner

2007-12-06T08:10:00.000-08:00

My mother, today, sent me a to-do list for the wedding planning, in excel.

Its either
a) I don't communicate what I little have been doing enough
b) I really need to get cracking on the planning
c) I actually have no facking idea what goes into planning a wedding and am happily procrastinating because I think its like having a few friends over for drinks.

I'm leaning towards option c.

As i went through the file she sent me, it suddenly dawned on me that the date we so merrily picked is a mere six months away. And we don't even have a venue booked yet. We have options yes, but we haven't decided because well, there's always next weekend to have a final view and decide things. And you know what everyone who has gotten hitched says, 'its only when you've set the venue that you can start planning other things around it'. I guess we're screwed then.

At least, we have a date! And a guest list!

My mother is extremely excited that this is happening soon. She's probably looked forward to this since the day I learnt my ABCs', I know, many times she wants to discuss and bounce off idea with me, but most of the times I would have either just returned from work..or would have been engrossed in a tv show (usually House or Greys). Now that makes me sound like a horrible, neglecting daughter, and I realize that and everytime i tell myself not to do it again. But, like the procrastination, I do. Because I am weak that way, weak!

I really should include my mom in. I think its because I meself don't really know where this is going to go and how this is going to end, I'm afraid if i start sharing all my girly perfect fairytale wedding dreams with her, i'm just going to get her even more riled up and excited and then disapoint her should it not happen. Its one thing to have fairytake dreams, its another to fit it all within the budget Aji n I can afford. Life should really be more like the cartoons. Where you sing and the brids and the animals from the forest come and help fix your wedding dress all pretty. And a pumpkin can turn into a cool wedding car. And there's always fireworks playing at the back of the venue and it doesnt cost 5K for 3 minutes.

And the brides always have a 19 inch waist.

29 days and counting

2007-11-27T09:10:00.000-08:00

For the first time in all my 26 years, this year I'm not really looking forward to Christmas. Maybe it's because I'm as broke as a fragile vase that came crashing to the ground. Is there even a vase that isn't fragile??

I've always loved Christmas, as child like as I risk sounding, it's a magical time of year for me. There's no snow, and there's no Santa, i've come to terms with that..but when its christmas, you just feel the love.

I have great Christmas memories, right from rushing to get ready for mass with my cousins, to telling my Dad about me and Aji on Xmas day, to the Xmas dinner I had in South Africa with some of the best friends a girl could look for.

Somehow this year, the spirit just seems lacking. Of all things, it perked a little when I got on to Facebook and a friends page boomed with an instrumental of Jingle Bell Rock..but just a little.

I have to stop worrying about being broke..after all, it isn't about the presents right. I have to find that spirit, and i have 29 days.

Missin' the lurve

2007-10-26T20:56:00.000-07:00

So I am back from Seoul. And it was awesome in every way, the trees turning red orange and yellow, the chilling winds blowing in my face and the super spicy food. And most of all, I spent a whole lot of quality time with Logan, doing both touristy and non touristy stuff and it reminded me even more of why people envy the relationship we share.

I miss Logan more now that I am back from this holiday then when I did before I visited him in Seoul. The water works was running in the plane, and the stewardesses gave me two packets of peanuts when I asked for one and offered me orange juice when I asked for water. Heh!

It was good to see how Logan lives there, how he has adapted to the culture and the way of life. Things that i found different and unusual seemed to be the norm to him already. Its nice also, having him dot over me again and wanting to squueze everything into the one week we had so i got the ultimate Korean experience, always making sure I had something to do somewhere to go or something to eat! I'm amazed at his energy, at times I got tired and just wanted to sit and do nothing but he was still gearing to go, or I had way to much to drinky and he was able to walk home, albeit not in a straight line but still. And I'm supposed to be the younger one. But its that spirit that is the most infectious, somehow when I am around him i'm just always happy and it feels like I can do annyyytthhiiinnngggg.

Even climb the hundreds and hundreds of stairs up Nam San without a single complain. Or walk for three hours looking for the Han River Ferry terminal. Or stand in the middle of the autumn cold in just a pair of slacks and tiny jacket and open shoes. Or ride on the gyro swing!!!!

Now I have 900 plus photos to sort through.

Annu Version 2.0

2007-10-11T09:29:00.000-07:00

Was thinking of how much I'll probably be drinking and eating in Korea, and for a minute, a very brief minute I wondered if i should control the intake so as to not waste my efforts at the gym this past month. Needless to say that thought quickly left, and I swiftly moved on to trying to figure out how I can take in more duty free booze. Besides, I'll bring my jogging shoes and run whenever I can, do like em crazy ladies I saw in Canada running in the cold clad in nothing but shorts and a hoodie. I'm just hoping I don't completely loose the drive to exercise when I come back. I'm quite pleased with myself actually, yesterday, I got to the gym and realised I had 2 tshirts and forgot shorts (what an idiot I know), the old Annu would have smiled like a donkey used it as an excuse, gone home and lay down in front of the tv all night. But no, this new and improved Annu ran down to the Giants and got meself a new pair of gym shorts! Now is that commitment or is that commitment?! Okay its a big deal for me cause I'm a lazy piece of lard usually.

And i've been lunching on salads for the past two weeks. I feel like a rabbit. And have stopped skipping breakfast as much as I can. Dinner is a little difficult to lighten cause its at home and my mother belives a growing child needs her food, even though i've stopped growing vertically and only sideways since I was fifteen. Anyhoo, I haven't shed drastic amounts of pounds, but I do feel lighter, not so bloated like when I had rice everyday (mmm...rice..) and am able to run longer.

At dinner today I caved though, I stuffed my face with huge, huge amounts of roasted lamb and fish fillets and mushrooms. Thats what buffet spreads do to me. My stomach tells me I'm full, but then greed comes knocking and makes me eat more then my stomach can handle. Then I feel sick and curse meself. I think I was massively od-ing on protien after that meal cause I just had to sit, and take deep breaths for a good hour after. But the mint sauce was totally worth it.

I leave for Korea in 4 days and I have a gajillion things to do prior out of which i've done nada. At least i've got myself a new bag.

Plans, or the lack thereof

2007-09-28T06:40:00.000-07:00

I'd like to have massive updates on plans for the big day but I sadly disapoint. I'd never thought finding an available venue on a specific date nine months before the date could be so much trouble. Seriously, whenever people talked about booking venues a year in advance i'd scoff silently at how 'kiasu' it was. I take back all the scoffs and all the moments of sceptism. If that's not hard enough, it's friggin' difficult balancing a budget for two ceremonies, and trying to host both in a classy but not too grand and flashy way, to still keep within a guest cap and have all the important folks around and serve good food, and most importantly, enough left over to cover the corkage. And to maybe, just maybe buy the boy and I a nice set of rings and myself (ahem) a beautiful dress.

Enough cribbing, note to self, the next time I write about the plans it shall be on a cheery note.

I've got myself on another plan, a plan to drop a few pounds before i head to Korea in a couple of weeks. Because, knowing the company I will be keeping when I am in Seoul, there will be a lot of drinking and rice, and drinking involved. Did I mention drinking? So this is an effort to consiously loose weight, so i can consiously put it back on. I've gone to the gym 11 times since the start of September, thats an average of once every..two and a half days? I could be wrong because my mental maths suck, but thats sounding awfully nice isn't it. And with that, I eat rice once a week (and when I get that once a week I eat rice like I have not had rice before!!) and I've...I've not had a beer in 40 days! I wish i'd have dropped a couple of sizes by now, but I feel better, not so bloated all the time. And I can run 10 minutes longer of what I used to be able to. If i can keep this up even after i return from Korea till the big day, maybe I can not look so huge next to Aji! Yay!

The biggest dilemma (the one that plagues my thoughts every night before i sleep) is when to move to Singapore. Should i just quit at the end of the year and head down south, and then find a job (this option would mean i get to crash the Worlds in Bangkok for a couple of days, yay! ) or should i stay in KL until I've secured myself a job in Singapore and then move (which is proving to be hard cause everyone keeps asking me if I'm PR or Singaporean). Going earlier would mean acclimitizing (for the lack of a better word) to staying with Aji on a non long distance basis, going later would mean having more time with my parents and friends here before i leave them all and go far far away...

I don't want to make big girl decisions...

There it was..

2007-09-04T09:27:00.000-07:00

...shining away under the morning sun in all its glory.

As i looked up at the beautiful sunshine rays going through the glass doors, like a Disney cartoon beginning, having my coffee and going about my early morning routine, my collegue reaches over and plucks out..

my first white hair..

..and i'm devastated!

My idea of people who have greying hair are those above the ages of 40 or those suffering from extreme amounts of stress. Yes some people like Taylor Hicks grey really young, but I have no singing talent so my hair changing color now isnt about to bring me anything but possibly, more bills on hair care. I remember as kids, we used to pluck my mom's grey hair for 5 sen a piece, and she was way past her 40s then! Geez

I never thought something a tiny as this would actually upset me, but it has, tremendously. I need a drink.

p/s a big thank you to all you nice folks who left comments, send text messages, emailed and called after the last post. I heart you guys too!

Of course, I said yes...

2007-08-14T08:48:00.000-07:00

It’s funny how you think you’ve been wanting and waiting for something for so long, and you think you’re all set – then when it happens it completely blows you off your feet.

So they say girls dream up their proposals and weddings right from when they’re little. The first words they learn are com..commit..commitment and mar..marry. And as teens, they start building scrapbooks with dresses, flower arrangements, song lyrics and tips on how not to experience potential wardrobe malfunctions while boogying on the dance floor. That their guest lists are edited and saved as the years go by and friends are made and dropped (gawd that sounds awful, but the truth hurts). That when a woman enters a serious relationship, she drops hints and make comments and places pressure on said other because god forbid, he fails to live up to any of the dreams she has built all those years.

See now I wouldn’t know, cause I was never that neurotic about having the most perfect proposal or the most perfect wedding. I never wanted to outdo my friend’s experiences or to have one that gives me bragging rights till I wrinkle and fall off in places.

All I wanted, was something that would make me feel special. Like I was the only one in that room, the only one who had all his love and protection. To leave me feeling warm and fuzzy inside every time I think about it.

I love how he knows me well enough to know that I would want my closest friends there to celebrate it with us. I love how he remembered the words that mean so much to me. I love how he had the balls to do it in public, in front of a room full of strangers. I love that he knew that my family’s blessing mean the world to me. I love how he knew the exact ring I’m going to be wearing on my finger. I love how he made every birthday I have from now on, even more meaningful. I love how he swept me off my feet completely by surprise when he went down on one knee. I love how he put everything together so carefully.

I could write down exactly how it happened, right to the point where I was so stunned he had to ask ‘so is it a yes’. But I won’t because I would never be able to capture how I really felt at that point, as corny as it sounds, there really are no words to describe the way my heart was bouncing.

Feeling special. Loved. Warm. And fuzzy inside.

And gawd, now for the planning..

Restlessness

2007-07-20T22:04:00.000-07:00

This is the first weekend I have got free in probably the last month, and I've been sitting here for the past three hours since I woke up surfing random sites online.

I have a long list of things I should be doing, but I the want to just sit down and do absolutely nothing seems to be winning.

I've been feeling extremely restless lately. And not just in a fidgety kind of way. The main part of me which is itching for refreshment is work, don't get me wrong I really love my job scope and I love the industry as it is. Maybe, maybe its the place I am, or the people around me. Leys not kid myself it is that. No matter how many times I comfort myself with saying at least the main part of the job, the actual work itself is something I enjoy, it shouldn't matter if the people around me make me feel horrible or if the subject matter sometimes can be extremely dry -- I still feel rediculously troubled and demotivated. I know its affecting the quality of my work (anyone could guess by the growing to do list) and i'm trying trying trying not to let it show, but I'm sure not giving my 110% anymore. Every night I go to bed and I tell myself tomorrow will be a splendid day at work, tomorrow will be a splendid day at work, tomorrow will be a splendid day at work..

And I've been missing Aji a lot more then usual lately. A big part of me is really getting tired with this long distance thing. Four years. Four whole years. I'm tired of not being able to enjoy the small things in each other lives every day, and not being able to include each other in the big things of our lives as well. I'm tired of always going by myself for functions and not being able to take holidays together. I'm tired of filling each other up on our lives through the telephone and I'm tired of having to squeeze everything we want to do with each other into one weekend a month (fights included). A big part of me is summoning for the courage to pack up and go be with him there, to grow up and face the facts that as much as I love my family and my friends here it is time to move on to that next phase in life.

It's been awesome having Logan back for the past three weeks, theres just a week left before he heads off back to Korea again, and hopefully, if all goes well i'll see him again in Korea i October. I can already imagine how lonely that flight back from Hong Kong is going to be, not because i'm physically taking it alone, but because it'll also be goodbye to him for the second time...

I hope his hands fall off

2007-07-03T07:53:00.000-07:00

Its amazing how every piece of damage that has happened to my car, was never caused by my carelessness or reckless behaviour. Yet it seems to happen in a steady stream.

Here is the latest.

Some f*cker, decided he would drag his keys to make a 15cm long scratch on my bonnet, because I accidently parked at his parking space at a friends condo. Nevermind that there was no sign boards indicating that it was a resident parking spot, neither was there signboards directing towards the vistors parking. Adding salt to the wound, there were guards present as I was parking who not so much as let out a peep when I was pulling into that parking space. If i knew that lot was reserved, I wouldn't be so stupid as to willingly risk something happening to my car.

No matter how frustrated the owner was for having his car park taken, nothing warrants deliberate vandalism to my car. He could have left me a nasty note, he could have checked for my details with the guard house, heck..he complained and got my car clamped and I had to pay a fine, why in f*cking hell did he have to scratch my car.

My blood is boiling like it hasn't for a very long time. I would never condone the act of scratching someone's car before this, regardless of what the reason was. But if one was to ask me what i'm feeling after having my car ruined, I don't hesistate to say at the top of my list would be to find the assh*le who scratched my car, and to do the very same thing to him.

My friend is right, Malaysian drivers really do make people evil.

Who's up for a garage sale?

2007-06-25T21:47:00.000-07:00

We recently found out over the weekend that my ex maid was stealing from us. As my current maid, who is a month old was helping my mom flip my grandma's mattress over, she found FIVE PAIRS OF MY BEAUTIFUL EARRINGS bunched up into a little ball and tucked away in a wee corner under the bed planks. After she handed it over to my mom (she was equally shocked as we were), my mother and I did a quick search of the house and found out more stuff that was missing -- including my mom's jewelery. I suppose that woman couldn't grab the earrings in time because my mom told her to go pack her stuff like, right when she was going to send her back. This is the problem with being too trusting of strangers in our house and not locking all our doors when we go out -- and not checking her bags before leaving the house cause we didn't want to offend her. We should have guessed she was capable of something like this with that attitude she had. If she still has itchy hands in her new employers place I hope she gets caught and sent home.

And along with that I also realized I must have a lot of crap in my room because I noticed two pairs of earrings were missing (which i thought i lost because i am careless that way) and had NO IDEA that three more were gone. I can't even remember what I have and what i don't have anymore! As I was looking through my other stuff to determine if anything else was missing, besides the obvious clothes and accessories with i use regularly, I honestly can't remember what else are in my cupboards!

I am hoarder, admittedly. After 4 years, I finally threw out my university sketches and notes only a few months back. I threw out 6 pairs of shoes which i had bundled up with intentions of fixing, but never got to it. I threw out piles and piles of miscellaneous construction paper, glitter, dried up markers, dried up paint and pens from my card making random drawing days. I packed and gave away bags n bags of clothes from the yesteryears, some of which I had used only a couple of times, some of which was from when i was 10 pounds lighter and was hoping to loose weight and get back into but considering that my will power is the size of a peanut i should stop kidding myself.

I still have a whole bunch of clothes, accessories, photos, books and god knows what else is collecting dust in the save heaven which is my room to look through among the things i decided I couldn't throw or give away. It just feels like such a waste you know. Too bad the concept of yard sales never picked up here.

Anybody want to buy my clothes? Especially lots of clubbing outfits which annu has gotten too fat for.

Lookie me noohair!

2007-06-23T08:05:00.000-07:00

Today i went from this

to this.

After four and a half hours, and a huge hole in my wallet I walked out of an impulse decision pretty pleased with myself. I know i said i was going to embrace my natural curls, and stop trying to undo them. And i know a lot of you think the curls rock, and would pay hundreds to get it done to your straight hair. I really have learnt to love my curly hair and I do think its looks quite gaya at times. But I was getting increasingly lazier to style them every morning before work, which resulted in my bunching it up most of the time. And i'm too impatient to wait for it to grow longer so I can do more with it.

Besides, if i dont try more adventurous hair styles like this now when i'm in my mid 20s, I cant possibly when I'm 40 right. Plus, I was born with the curls, and will always have them, i can embrace it with more sincerity when im 40.

Don't you just hate it when the stylists keep talking to you while doing your hair? I like to just read my book or thrashy magazines rather then answer where i work for the thousanth time. And avoid the sales pitch on hair care products the thousanth time.

My back was so sore by the time I was done at the salon I had to lean against my car and stretch a bit before getting in.

So June has been a month of indulging, I still have my mom's birthday gift, my best friends birthday gift, two more friends birthday gifts and a wedding gift to get all in the next five days before the month ends. July shall be the month of repayments.

Late night movies are for grown ups

2007-06-10T08:50:00.000-07:00

Kids below the ages of 10 do not belong in the cinema for night movies. Whether it is a cartoon or an animated film, the should be in bed.

I’m not saying this to be harsh, but a child talking /whining/ crying throughout a movie can be extremely annoying. And I blame the parents, if you’re unable to keep your child quiet to two hours plus, you shouldn’t be out at night watching a movie. At the risk of sounding harsh again, I don’t care if that’s the only time you get to catch the film, or if you are busy chasing careers and keeping house, if you cannot make your young child understand that he or she needs to be quiet for the duration of the film, then you have no right ruining the movie for the oh, only 100 plus more people watching it.

I know the concept of Mommy & Me shows haven’t really caught on here, and those would be perfect for bringing kids to the movies. But still, think of all the other people who were keen on catching the dialogue of the movie. If babysitters are really so hard to come by, then go for a matinee. If you want to bring your child to catch the cartoon, then do it at a time in the day where more families are likely to be attending (and to be more understanding) then for the 10pm shows which are usually filled with young adults who are easily annoyed and would not hesitate to turn around and shush the kid. I do not see why I should give up watching a movie I’ve paid premium price for because some parents are irresponsible. Kids get more and more tired and restless as the day goes by, even if you’ve made sure little darlings have had their naps in the afternoon, the tendency of them asking questions, simply because they’re curios at that age, is very high. Therefore, the onus lies on you, the mommies and the daddies, to figure out how you can least annoy the other people in the cinema.

As you may have guessed by now, incessant 'whys' during my catching of Shrek 3 is the cause of this rant. And yes, i shusshed a five year old. So shoot me.

It’s also true what they say

2007-05-27T22:25:00.000-07:00

About how the best times you have, will be with the best friends you’ve made throughout the years..

These are the people I know for sure I can have a blast with regardless of where we are or what we’re doing, the people who will always be on my Christmas card list and the ones who will be running around ~~drunk~~ sorting out the issues at my wedding and bringing me my something new and something blue.

Sadly, a lot of us are tied up with our busy lives, and taking a few days off to chill seems to be a real luxury these days. Good for me though, that this bunch of people are pretty much game for everything, from cultured opera shows to a weekend of doing absolutely nothing but being bums and getting wasted.

Phantom of the opera last month – which happened very suddenly, for me at least but worked out real well. I’ll never be able to listen to the ‘chicken rice shop’ jingle in the same way again.

Cherating in conjunction with Angie's birthday on labour day – supposed to be a big gang bang of a trip but ended up the three stooges drive up north. But it was good times, and we didn’t even need the Jim Beam or the wine to be a catalyst. Though, with it, things got a whole lot more serious. I remember sitting on that wooden patio, with the three of us sharing some of the most private stuff with each other. I cant remember all of what was shared, thanks to the bourbon..but, I can remember going ‘whoa’ a lot. To distance, but yet having closeness

Miri Jazz Fest a couple of weeks back – I’m not your regular jazz junkie, but I went along because I’ve never been to that part of Malaysia, and I knew I’d need a break. It was a glorious weekend of pampering, music, beautiful sunsets, food and imitating weird ass dance moves. That’s right girls, do ‘the spasm’ all together now!

So..what's next?

Its true what they say

2007-05-26T04:03:00.000-07:00

About starting your day early with excercise and what not..I made my frist gym trip in two months this morning, which i will duely blame on not being able to leave the office before sun set and the star not aligning in my favour. And what makes this an even more momentous occasion was that i woke up at 9ish to go to the gym. For those of you who know me, thats way early on a saturday morning by my standards.

So i did 30 minutes in the threadmill, 3 sets of 10 on the arm thing and 3 sets of 10 of the abs cruncher before i decided to stop else i keel over and die. And knowing my luck, it wouldn't even happen at the feet of a hottie. But getting back to the point, last sunday, I also miraculously awoke early and went walking up the Kiara hills with a friend, and on both days..I have come back home feeling energized and geared up, albiet very hungry. Of course, on the drive home i've concorted a great plan in my head about how I will use this 'feel good' uhm, feeling to remind myself to gym more often, and in 3 months have Jessica Alba's body.

Though, the minute I fed my stomach, i ended up spending the rest of the day vegetating in front of the idiot box.

I have been feeling extremely unhealthy these past couple of months. Eating out most of the time and giving in to my only vice in the name of stress, not having much body movement unless its from my cubicle to the toilet, and of course, forgetting to take my vitamins. I need to consiously get myself into doing some form of exercise whether i'd rather be sleeping or not, else if i keep up this lifestyle, by the time i turn 40 i'd be obese and suffering from high blood preassure, diabetes and depression.

I need to seriously learn to swim (ANGIE!), I need to stock my drawers at work with food so i don't eat nonsence all the time and I need to decide if i should quit the gym and buy a threadmill to decorate my room.

The Annu update

2007-05-14T09:47:00.000-07:00

(decided to do this because Sumi and n.g. did it and I want to be part of the cool kids. heh! You know, like when you were in school and you didn't buckle your pinafore because all the cool kids didn't )

Mood : Damn annoyed. Have been working for well over 11 hours. Need to be awake in 5 hours to head for a two day Summit, eyes are heavy as hell but when I lay down I can't fall asleep

Music : Marcy's Playground - James Blunt - Frankie Valli

Food : Bread, with chicken kurma and potatoes. No, ONE potatoe. Only because my parents are so used to me not eating dinner at home anymore. So I had to make do.

Boredom level : Can't be bored, gravitate towards work.

Panic level : Extremely high.

I spend most of my time with : My ThinkPad..it has been my companian the most lately, by force and also sometimes, by choice.

Favourite drink : Coffee (by the pots). But I also love Vitagen!

What I should be doing but am too tired to do : Two press releases.

I have a secret crush on : a guy I met at work a few weeks ago.

I think Sumi & n.g should watch : Kabhi Gushy Kabhi Gham..hahah because they wouldn't if nobody made them!

I think everyone else should watch : Beautiful Mind

I worry about : Money. And if I will bring up good children or will they turn out to be dark and twisty.

I miss : Logan

One thing I managed to come to terms with that I could not admit before : I actually secretely want to be skinny like all those women in magazines. No it doesn't affect my self esteem and I'm not about to start puking my guts out, but I used to be all macho and pretend like I couldn't give two hoots about having love handles and thunder thighs. And then look in the mirror and get all dark and twisty (hey!). And if i didn't love food so much and find it such an absolute waste, I'd most probably be puking my guts out. Now, I love all my flabby bits.

Where I should be right now : In dreamland, fast asleep seriously.

Where I am : Sitting on my bed, in my jammies.

I am afraid: Of hurting someone who loves me with every inch of his heart..with one swift reckless action.

I hate: I hate a lot of things, but right now, pretentious people who give air kisses, people who have to resort to dirty filthy tactics to get something. People who pretend to be friends but actually don't know the true value of it.

Hah!

2007-05-03T10:48:00.000-07:00

I am rediculously tired but yet i am sitting here cross legged uploading photos. Because I told a scrawny friend i'd do it. One would think, that since I am itching to fall asleep in my cold yet somehow warmly inviting bed and have a nagging back ache to nurse, I would skip the part where one individually renames all the many many photos. Did I stress on the many?

Yet I sit here patiently sucking in my pictorial memories of the past two days. As the chat windows lessen because more rational people have decided to sleep, and as my knees start to join my aching back, I realise I have more things to add on to my to do list at work tomorrow, and then sigh because I know, I just know i am bound to forget some things and then run around in a frenzy come Monday morning. Why, because I am also a painful procrastinator who never never learns from her mistakes and I choose to beleive that I work best under preassure. I do, I really do.

Great, for some reason the photos have loaded minus the individual names but with the boring tags it comes with when you first transfer it from the camera. I wonder what happened there, besides a waste of my time, a total waste of my time.

I will not write about Cherating now, because I must do it when I'm in a slightly less bitter mood, when i am not dreading work tomorrow and I am not incredibly jealous of Aji who is already in Korea and not feeling my jealousy increase ten folds when the rest of them leave for the Asians on Saturday and when I am not missing Logan more then usual and when I am not wishing that I was there building more memories with Aji and Logan and when I am not worried because I can hear my dad coughing from my room, and when I am not bloated from my late dinner of nasi lemak and dim sum. Yes one after another, I am a glutton I know.

And Sumi is ignoring me..I shall torment her with pictures of wonderful Malaysian dishes soon as pay back..hah!

Who's up for a marathon eh? of Grey's that is..

2007-04-24T08:09:00.000-07:00

I've recently rekindled my addiction for series. Series'?? Series is already plural right? Anythehoo..

Except that instead of getting into rediculous arguements with my mother over which channel deserves prime time viewing, I'm back to enjoying the wonders of downloaded episodes. The added joy to watching them off the internet is that I don't have to stop at one and wait an excrutiating seven days to find out what happens to Hiro Nakamura in the locked store room or if Izzie Stevens decides to cash that 8.7 million dollar check her dead fiance left her.

THAT was a spoiler for those of you who follow Grey's Anatomy, and i'm sorry..

No actually I'm not. The downside of watching it online is that I zoom through the season so fast, no one else has watched them that i don't have anyone to discuss it with! I can't tell people how stupid or sad or rediculous or real i thought anything was because that would be spoiling it for them. I miss the times when we used to have marathons in a group, and that equally long sessions of disecting various episodes over our chosen poison. I just want to chat about it with someone!!

The lack of discussion isn't about to stop me though. I love my shows!

On a side note, I watched the Phantom Of The Opera in Singapore a couple of weekends ago and it was effing awesome! AWESOME! Made me wanna quit my job and carry bags for the crew, or polish the props..anything!

missing: Logan & Sumi

2007-04-06T20:57:00.000-07:00

Sylvia's birthday at Decanter. Was great to have us all at the same table.

Reminded me of why it's so difficult to pack up and move to Singapore. I'll miss them all bucketloads.

I don't want to be part want to be part of the it just through photos, I want to be in the memories.

You write em poems when you're sad right..

2007-04-05T09:09:00.000-07:00

It was supposed to be special.
I was really really looking forward to it.
To walking on the white sands, looking through the clear water
To counting the stars in the midnight sky together
Right from when i first gave the present two months ago.
Everything was planned to and fro
Everytime we want to do something special some shit has to happen.
How not to be dissapointed?

You think its a bad poem? I've heard worse. Its not meant to excite you. So too bad suck it up and let me dwell in it.

Tattoo torture, even just looking at the process

2007-04-01T02:49:00.000-07:00

Somehow watching a tattoo being done live and watching the glamourized version on Miami Ink doesn't quite feel the same.

I remember coming home 4 years ago with one of those henna tattoos' on my back, and my dad saw it and blew his top. He reasonably calmed down when i told him it was temporary and would go away in a few days, though i really should have stopped there. Instead i gleefully announced that i do fancy getting a real tattoo some day, and my dad gleefully told me that if i do i can find myself a new house to stay in.

So i've been patiently waiting till i do move out one day (ironically my dad has also said he will only agree to me moving out if when i marry) to get my tattoo.

Seems tattoos' are supposed to be a symbol, of yourself, your past or what you see for yourself in the future. When i first dabbled with the idea of getting one i wanted two rosses entwined but figured its too girly and only every other monkey on earth has rose tattoos. So now my heart is settled on getting a lion, or a leo symbol, because, no prizes for guessing, that be my zodiac.

Unfortunetly, everybody seems to think its too macho for a girl, and I don't have that image to carry off a lion tattoo. Angie's attempted drawing me few cute, cartoony lions, but they all reminded me of cats under electric shock. Which is a good point to ponder, what if the tattoo artist screws up my lion and I look like i have a shocked cat on my back for the rest of my life.

Logan and I were supposed to get tattoos together before he left as our special activity, but i never gathered enough balls to bring it up with my dad again. Maybe when he comes back for a holiday, I'll try. Till then I need to decide if I will revert back to wussy girly roses or macho lion.

Hele's tatoo with all the blood oozing out.

Kakak pulang

2007-03-27T08:33:00.000-07:00

My kakak will be leaving tomorrow. Not by choice. Thanks to the new over cautiuos ruling recently implemented, because Kakak had TB as a child they aren't renewing her visa.

She broke down when we told her. I feel bad for her more because she's the sole breadwinner in her family and she has a jobless jackass of a husband who calls her only when he wants money. Yes, your classic tragic story.

I am undecided yet if i will miss her. I know for a fact that the time she was with us was too short for me to grow to love her, but I have become comfortable with having her around the house and i guess that i'll miss. Thank goodness my mom stressed right from the beginning that kakak was here to help granny and not serve us so i continued with my usual chores, else then i will miss her for sure, as I get comfortable when people start doing things for me, and just let them. Hey, at least i have no shame about admitting it.

But she did spoil me in certain ways. She would always run out and open the gate outside upon hearing the beep of my horn. She would fold my laundry on days i came home late. She always kept food for me, even though i told her i had already eaten. And as much as it makes me feel guilty to say this, she spoilt me by spending all her time with granny, because that allowed me to do other things.

I hope she has a good life back in Indonesia, and that her family don't squander all her savings. It will take another 8 weeks before we get a new kakak, hopefully by then, she's found something new to do.

And I feel especially bad for granny because she has to keep readjusting to the new help everytime.
That's kakak and granny in the photo..

Question is, how badly..

2007-03-15T09:21:00.000-07:00

In an effort to deliberately pass time at work today, I randomly surfed through my contacts in Friendster. I don't go to Friendster very often, only when some one adds me in or sends me a message. More often then not, I find the email alerts on every update by a contact extremely annoying. Except when it highlights the birth date's of close friends which i've forgotten, then its very useful.

Anyway, this is not about Friendster.

I was looking for means to waste time, being half brain dead i figured i'd click on one of those alerts. And the one i chose took me to the blog of someone i knew in high school. Honestly, we were never close in school, in fact, I forgot all about her until she added me in as a contact some time last year. It actually took me awhile to figure out who she was because she looked so different.

As I found myself being more and more intrigued by her blog entries, i gathered that her appearance wasn't the only thing that had changed. In school, I remember her as slightly on the plump side. Now she's a skinny little thing in fancy tiny clothes. In school, we hardly had much conversation because she mostly spoke malay and i mostly spoke english. I was blown away by how she had mastered the english language, judging by the use of words in the entries.

She now lives in the UK and has been for the past few years. I don't know what exactly she does, but I know she has a 9 - 5 job which she doesn't like, but which colleagues she loves. She writes how she works her tail off all day, then heads for a run at the gym, or rushes to meet her colleagues/mates at the neighbourhood pub. She writes of Christmas/birthday/surprise parties where she has way too many martinis and ends up doing typical drunken acts. And about how difficult it is for her to meet an Asian guy she can get along with, and now much to her family's dismay has found the missing piece in a handsome Brit. She writes about her passion for shoes, and cake, and the simple joy of coming home after a long activity filled weekend to sit in the bath tub in a quiet apartment.

She also bitches about her boss is a dick but she sticks with it cause the money is good, how she hates the crowds in the train, how eractic UK weather can be. About how she has to travel hours to visit fellow Malaysian friends, how Malaysian friends when she meets em says she's this and that and this and that, mostly not nice. About how it can get lonely sometimes.

I realised, as I read on, the reason that kept me so intrigued, was because all that she talked about, was all that I've always wanted to experience. Being away, doing things I want to do, managing on my own, good and bad. To learn for myself, that its not like what you see on TV.

Still want to actually.

At least its a lil better with technology

2007-03-02T09:59:00.000-08:00

The comfort in hearing someone's voice is amazing. A lot of people underestimate the value of being able to talk to someone anytime until they aren't able to and then they wished they did.

Another reason for me to love my mobile phone and my service provider! I called Logan from my phone, and a 9 minute call cost me 5 RM, which is pretty alright la. Talking gives you so much more emotion then emails, and the feelings phone calls leave you with are always more intense even though you'd have had the same content in both forms of communication. Aji and I can both attest to that!

Anyway, I had to share the airtime with my mom though. She hovers right next to me as soon as she heard me. And then she hogs the phone and says something sarcastic like 'your sister is hopping on one foot to talk to you' when i ask for it back..chis. Too much isn't it :)

I've been listening to the 'Oh Happy Day' song a lot these past couple of days, and its kind of lifting my spirits bit by bit. Which is a little odd, because the last thing i expected was a song about God to help me feel better. Okay very odd. But at Tate said, you don't have to believe in it to let it take effect on you. Or something like that. Basically he meant, whatever works.

Phone calls work!

:(

2007-02-28T09:45:00.000-08:00

Logan's left, for greener pastures and better opportunities. All the way in eff-ing Korea.

That was probably the longest, most quiet ride back from the airport i've ever experienced..

And it sucks.

I didn't even give him a real hug, cause I was too busy trying not to cry. See, even then thinking of myself. Now all I wanna do is give him one real big squeeze of a hug so he remembers what it feels like.

Someone asked me why I'm getting so worked up over my brother leaving, cause people's siblings go away all the time. He's not just my brother, he plays like so many lead characters in my life. Sometimes i think he knows me better then i know myself. He's always watched over me and looked out for me, and never once said no, told me i couldn't be something or made me feel any less then special. I on the other hand, pull a long face with him for something as stupid as him clearing the history on my laptop. And he doesn't even get upset with me for doing things like that.

He's always just been there, from a mid afternoon distraction call to knowing i've had a bad day just by the grunts i give as answers.

Who's going to call me lame for asking for directions to vioba for the 100th time and who's going to comfort me when i think i have all the problems in the world (and they're so much bigger then everybody elses because their mine).

He's just been part of every event thats happened with me, big or small, right from getting a flat tire on the highway to choosing my career path. I can't imagine him not being part of all thats to come. I want to be Hiro Nakamura then i can fix this shitty feeling :(

No its not ok, and no you don't know how i feel, and no i won't get used to it. I won't even learn to live with it.

Greetings

2007-02-19T19:54:00.000-08:00

The roads are empty, the malls have less activty and my favourite eateries are mostly closed. Any average person out there would be able to guess its a time of festivities in Malaysia again and most Malaysian have left the city to celebrate in their hometowns. For someone who's hometown in less the 30 mins away (with the new highways), I couldn't be more pleased with this temporary bliss. Especially while driving.

My little holiday ends tomorrow, I can see myself dragging two very heavy feet to work after 4 days of being at home. Any other time, if a public holiday lands on a Monday (and here we have one on the following Tuesday too!) I would have immediately got on the quickest way to Singapore. But Logan leaves for Korea in 3 days and I wanted to be around as much before he goes. Even if we're not doing anything specific, just be around.

Every one has been asking me 'so how do you feel about Logan leaving?'..
I don't want to talk about it. I actually try not to write about it here even.
It hasn't really hit me yet, that he will be gone for two years. And when it does, i probably still wouldn't want to talk about it. Because if you don't talk about it, you don't cry.

Anyway, Xin Nian Kwai Lerr..may the year of the fire boar bring you lots of cheer and prosperity..

Just for kicks

2007-02-11T20:16:00.000-08:00

The reason to why coming in to work isn't always so daunting come in the weirdest most funniest ways.

tu eres un angel.. feliz cumpleanos

2007-02-07T18:34:00.000-08:00

sometimes i think i don't deserve you, most times even i dont know what i want..most of all i am just thankful for you.

Its been three weeks since i got back from Canada

2007-02-01T22:44:00.000-08:00

I expected to document it sooner, but i was too busy being depressed that i was back here and back in a routine life.

The trip was absa-f*cking-lutely great.

It was nice catching up with my aunt and her family, and it was doing a lot of things I've seen being done on the telly. I shopped like mad, and i indulged a lot. And i completely blew my budget. All the signs of a perfect holiday.

On this trip, I realized that as much as i say I'm happy just going places for holidays and don't want to ever move away from home, I actually do have a part of me that's itching to experience living in a foreign land. Not forever though. I don't want to move for good. But for a few months just to see how different life is. Plus, I've always secretly really wanted to be a waitress. Like, srsly

Pictures do speak a gazilllion words. They do, they really do.

As you can see, I came back a little rounder. These are just some of my favourite things.

And some of my favourite scenes

Irony

2006-12-13T06:40:00.000-08:00

If some saw a knack for theaterics in the previous post, fate sure has a funny way of dealing me more drama.

With glee we left my house in my car on Friday evening for a nice long weekend down south. My parents, a friend and I. I figured if i stepped on it we should be able to reach the Republic down south by midnight. Little did we expect a sudden rumbling, which got increasingly louder just as we hit the Seremban highway.

I just had to get a flat tyre. In the middle of the highway. At night. In the rain.

Attempts at changing the flat myself proved futile as it was screwed on too tightly. Didn't help that the heavy raindrops were biting my skin and the wind from the trucks, cars, vans etc zooming by made it extremely cold. Someone finally stopped to help us (for which i was mostly freaked out after reading all those horrific gory stories in the newspapers and it didn't help that another car with three machas stopped but thankfully they left after flashing the torch around for a few seconds and didn't like rob us or cause us any bodily harm, my mom though was more freaked i saw the grip on her rosary tighten every 5 minutes longer that we were on that roadside *breath*), and the higway patrol guys came, and an hour later we were checking into a hotel to spend the night in Seremban.

12 hours, a sunrise, a brand new RM 160 tyre and a full stomach later we finally made our way to Singapore again, finally only reaching in mid afternoon of the next day.

Making up for lost time is always fun. Aji and I decided to skip the interior decorating ideas and just chill, aside from when my parents decided to come up to Aji's place instead of dropping me off and giving us both a massive adrenaline rush and minor heart attack, we were content just doing boring coupley stuff. No planning and doing more things together. Mothering the boys and putting up the christmas tree, in a record time of 30 minutes may i add. Spending way too much money for one weekend. Getting a feel of what it would be like having spoilt children with fussy eating habits. Meeting and feeling the first touch of Aji's family and wanting so badly to make the best first impression i've ever had to make on anyone. Rediscovering how much i like to cook and hate to clean. Enjoying a non-thinking movie more then a thinking movie. Accompanying my Aji on his first ever trip to Chinatown though he's been in Singapore for , oh 6 years.

Among other things.

I think this was my first weekend in Singapore in three and a half years where i didn't think of, or miss home.

My circle of love

2006-12-06T07:23:00.000-08:00

I always thought I was sure, 100% sure that i'd never leave this place, mainly because all the people i love are around me here. I had these idealistic thoughts that it will always be this way, that family and friends will never go away, and we'll always have this great support group and social circle. That we'll all move into our careers together, buy houses together, go to each others houses for barbeques, car pool to weddings, share gifts for when babies are born, baby-sit, complain about spouses.....have retirement parties, go for arthiritis check ups together..you get the drift.

I remember a friend telling me once, not to give up opportunities that come up even if it means leaving Malaysia simply because of people, because people don't always think about you when they take up opprtunities.

Okay that sounds cold but in many ways its true, and there is nothing wrong in them for choosing to that it up.

I drove back from work today with the post effects of a phone call i had as I was packing, with a friend who also left, to Australia to get his degree, much good getting one of those did me but since he's doing law im sure it would be a teensy bit more useful to him. We used to hang out occasionally before he left, but it was good times, times that saw us talking endlessly and laughing at each other most of the time. Good to know that he still gives me reason to laugh at with him though we haven't met in like forever.

But what if its not like that with my other friends. What if when they come back it becomes awkward. And I wonder if they have these thoughts too as they're packing to leave. If their friends will still be here when/if they come back. Then why would they gooooooooooo. If it doesn't definetly for sure 100% lead to a happy ending then I'm inclined to complain!

This whole making plans to settling down 20 hours away by plane because you've found love *cue angie's f*ck love*. This whole getting married and moving to another continent. This whole finding a job in a land where hardly anyone speaks your language. This whole wanting to go to a foreign land to learn their language. This whole working to earn in a higher currency hullabulla.

Okay so i enjoy the occasional embellishment for dramatic effect.

And yes i know that all these things are really good for all those involved and in truth i am extremely happy for them. Beyond happy that they can at least decide and act on what they want. But what if its never, ever like what we have before. Wouldn't you miss it too?

I sure do....

I love weddings.

2006-11-17T01:24:00.000-08:00

Particularly church weddings. Maybe it’s the influence from watching all the romantic sappy movies on the idiot box. Or maybe it’s because there’s so much about it commercially.

But more then that, I love bits and pieces of church weddings. Like the symbolism of the father of the bride giving her away. The lighting of the candle together. And the vows, oh..the vows. Its different from just performing an action that joins two as one when you profess the vows (even though it’s the same for those who do not take the liberty of writing their own) to each other.

Last Saturday was a friends wedding up north. We were never exceptionally close in uni, there were no one on one bonding sessions but we were close as a group. There were endless emails with planning for travels and accommodation and whining that the thought of just sending a gift parcel crossed all our minds at least a few times. But I’m glad we finally went..

It was one of the most beautiful wedding ceremonies I’ve had the good fortune to witness. Right from when we arrived at the church, there was just a strong feeling of closeness and love surrounding all the tasks that were going on...laughter and smiles everywhere. The church itself was gorgeous with its high ceiling and wooden paneling.

The couple arrived and the way their faces gleamed with joy made everybody present so envious of what they had. The adoration in his eyes every time he looked at her, and the way he held her hand for everything. The calculated steps of the flower girls and page boy. The carefully selected music to compliment every inch of the ceremony. The way they did the reading together and said their vows looking straight into each others eyes. Made my heart melt.

Made me realize that.. I want all that. How much the jokes of dreaming of the perfect white wedding since I hit puberty were all very much true. Part of me suddenly sad because I realized I may never have it.

But most of all, I was glad I went. I could just feel how much they wanted to be together just from watching them. I know it sounds incredibly soppy, but one doesn’t get that vibe a lot. And more then the decorations and the music and the food.. that feeling is what I remember the most.

“Remember tonight, for it is the beginning of always’ - Dante Alighieri

What the..

2006-11-04T08:44:00.000-08:00

I was woken up at 7.45 in the morning today by my dad..

On my Saturday morning, after 5 consecutive days of 6 hours of sleep daily, on the only day i had to sleep in as i have to celebrate an aunt's birthday early sunday morning, when it was cold outside and i was snuggled in my blankets far away in dreamland..

My dad woke me up earlier then i usually wake up on working days even..

to go and inflate my car tyres...

You can imagine my furstration when he insisted i do it immediately or else..

Babble

2006-10-30T08:37:00.000-08:00

Quickly rounding up work so I can hit the bed while I’m still feeling sleepy. If I stay awake past the period where my eyes are as heavy as ~~my ass~~ iron I tend to loose the sleepiness.. and toss and turn for hours before I finally hit slumber.

And with the day I’ve had, I don’t want that. I need to sleep. This is going to be random thoughts that pop into my head, there will be no intelligence for now, nah huh.

I gave in to the temptation of pineapple tarts, though I told myself I wouldn’t eat pass midnight. It’s just something about the way it crumbles in my fingers and melts in my mouth that makes pineapple tarts an exception. I’m supposed to start on this new diet plan with a colleague, starting tomorrow. I know I’ll cheat. I always cheat at diet plans. I’ve never cheated at anything else in my life before, but I can’t seem to have the same discipline when it comes to rice, pasta, bread and potatoes. Hmmm potatoes. I love potatoes.

Baking seems to be a fad now. I remember being made fun off in uni when I baked. Being told it was 'aunty' to bake. Everyone seems to be baking now and really fancy stuff at that too. Cupcakes with teddy faces on it. Triple layer chocolate mousse stuff. Fruit flans. And some of them look so perfect I wonder if they were actually bought and being paraded as homemade! HAH! That’s what I’ll do. Next week, I’m bringing “homemade” cheesecake to the office.

Even random babble has to come to an end. Before the ass gets too heave to move.

Since she requested for an update..

2006-10-09T03:26:00.000-07:00

For the next 16 months or so..

Who do I call when I need a distraction at work at 3pm
Who will I give away the clothes I can no longer fit into
How will I buy clothes without trying them out, that you are not here for me to give it to
Who will I call when I need to con someone into hanging out with me while waiting for Aji to arrive in the wee hours of the morning
Who will I have nasi lemak kambing and wine with in the wee hours of the morning
Who will I compare horror stories of Indian families with
Who will I compare bulging tummies with
Who will I sit and reminisce of old debate tournaments with
Who will I sit and laugh at when reminiscing old debate tournaments
Who will I bug about nonsensical ‘problems’ in my life
Who’s other nonsensical problems can I ~~laugh at~~l isten to
Who will I bitch about mutual people we don’t like with..
Who will I invite to my house for crab curry and prawn sambal at ungodly hours of the day
Who will I not allow to fall asleep by poking her
Who will not want to sit with me on busses because I don’t allow her to fall asleep by poking her
Who will I bully by pretending to sulk with
Who will actually fall for me pretending to sulk…
Who’s fake smile will I make fun off
Who’s ass will I whack whenever she walks by
Who Sumi.. who who who!

:)

I just cant bring myself to feel sorry for her.

2006-09-15T22:20:00.000-07:00

When i read the article in yesterday's paper, i couldnt get it out my mind, then another followed today, and now i'm just angry. This is why children should not have children.

http://thestar.com.my/news/story.asp?file=/2006/9/16/nation/15453310&sec=nation

Forgive my insensitivity, or that i refuse to use her background and what may have been her upbringing as an excuse, but i think what she did was just plain heartless and stupid.

How could someone give away their child to a stranger at a komuter station, upon the recommendation of her new boyfriend? So she couldnt afford to raise the child, wouldn't it make more sense to give him to his father then, who apparently is more then willing to look after the boy, then to some stranger who lives 5 hours away?!

And then make up a story that the boy was kidnapped in a mall when she went for a job interview and left him alone for 15 minutes. And she had half the state running around for a whole day looking and searching for the poor boy.

She is 15, and she has a one year old son, and has been divorced for 6 months. Simple math would tell you that she got married and pregnant (not neccesarily in that order but lets not speculate now eh) when she was 14. Never mind what was a 14 year old doing having sex and making vows to spend the rest of her life with one man, quite obviously that marriage was headed for disaster, but what was she doing having a child. A 14 year old's body is not ready to carry a baby to full term, much less are their minds ready to be a mother! 14 year olds are supposed to be in school, weaning themselves off cartoons, hanging out at malls, and only just discovering the wonders of courtship and the opposite sex.

Yes, so i've had a good life growing up, and never had to witness the hardships she did. Which brings me to her mom. From the newspaper article, simple math will again tell us that the mom herself had children when she was very young, and a failed marriage when she was very young, wouldnt that be incentive not to have your daughter go through similar fate? If my daughter came home pregnant at 14 premarriage, i'd tell her honestly, that she's too young to have it. Instead of getting her hitched to the guy who is TEN YEARS older to her (what was a 24 year old doing having sex with a 14 year old), i'd take her to the closest clinic for consultation and then, send the bugger to the police. The procedure may be expensive and burn a whole in the wallet, but a baby is a lifetime commitment. Or if my daughter came home at 14 and said she wanted to get married, i'd slap her around a little and go 'have you not learnt anythingfrom my life girl!!'

This is just sad la. If she gave the boy up for adoption when he was born, he would have found a nice family to bring him up by now. You can judge me if you think i am being insensitive to the mother's feelings - to me, she never actually once thought of whats best for her child. Only whats best for her.

Times like this, I'm more then thankful for the family i have and the things they have taught me. THEY rock!

I Rock!

2006-09-11T02:20:00.000-07:00

beer-o!

2006-08-27T20:39:00.000-07:00

Twas a good Friday night indeeddy!!

Closure

2006-08-24T07:17:00.000-07:00

Oh how i used to hate that word.

When I had to go to work last weekend out of state I was bitching to almost everybody on how I was loosing my weekend. It didn’t help that I almost missed my cab to the airport only to have my flight delayed, thus making my first meal of the day at almost 9pm. I cant eat alone, I’m lame that way.

Thank god I landed to familiar friendly faces who if were not genuinely excited to see me, sure did a great job at making me feel welcome.

To be honest, I was a little nervous on spending the weekend with someone I was well, involved with before. Not because we hadn’t talked anymore or there was a big fight or someone got slapped, no drama. But because we used to be really good friends before that, and since things didn’t quite work out between us there had always been that little chip hanging over our shoulders. And I thought we’d never be able to go back to being half as good friends to each other as we were before.

It was a short relationship – it started suddenly and it ended equally abruptly. I guess what always ate in me was the reason it ended. Because well, the reason it ended would have been the reason why it should never have started in the first place. Confusing, yea.. so imagine how I was this past three years plus plus. Its one of those that seemed perfect, but because of circumstances had to be let go. One of those where I always wondered if the situation was different, how would it have been. Where I always wondered if it made it easier for the other party to let go because it was me, because I would understand, because I was considered less..because I was just easier to deal with.

Yea sure we’ve talked about it before, but never face to face, and never this brutally honest. All the last times we talked about it I think I still had a little internal wall, where I’d deliberately edit the things I said or tried not to get too deep into things. For some reason I thought if I did it would get really ugly. BUT it was good. We laughed, we joked, we made fun of each other… and we said some really sweet, touching and truthful things. We talked about it like we finally both accepted that it was just out of our control, and breaking up then was the only thing we could control. But it didn’t mean that all the memories and the words and the feelings shared were any less real. For both of us.

I get that the one affected wasn’t only I, I, and I…

I’ll always remember prom, and “I know what a chassis is”, and clubbing, and chilling at the balcony, and the late night visits, and rushing like a mad cow to finish my fyp. And I remember them fondly. And now I know you do too.

So I flew back, again rushing to catch my flight.. happy and glad we had that weekend. Closure indeed.

I got to put a disclaimer in here that this was before Aji came along, cause he sure has a lot of fans reading this site, and I don’t want to be getting scary stares. Now he makes my world go round..

It starts NOW! The good life that is..

2006-08-15T20:30:00.000-07:00

I’ve been accused of going back on my word by a few friends who are across the seas in a land far away, because I promised to keep them updated on my life through this space and, well haven’t been updating the space. I’ve been insanely busy lately, and no its not excuses excuses so here goes a quick ten minutes dedicated to you, you and you – funny that I’ll be writing all about me though

Anyway..

I expected to feel some sort of transition when I turned 25, which was on the 10th (the narcisstic part of me says I must state the date here for you folks who forgot, heh). As of yet, there hasn’t been any sudden buzz through my body or a white light shining through or sudden spasm shakes. I don’t know, I expected to suddenly feel more responsible, or wise(r?), or just a little bit more mentally sound then I am. When I was in my teens, being 25 seemed so far away. Almost all my conversations with my girl friends in school about us being a quarter century old would involve us being somewhere up there in the corporate ladder, married with kids. You know, like in the idiot box, house with the picket fence, golden retriever running in the yard and all. Maybe that’s why its called the idiot box, you’re not supposed to base it on real life.

But it feels just the same. Except that more people followed their birthday greetings to me this year with inquiries on whether I will be getting married soon.

Things have been good this past year, I made some progress in the great conquest that is my career. Though I do spend more time then I’d like in the office, it is something that I will carry with me for the next, oh 40 years of my working life and whether good or bad will be lessons and I’m starting to accept that all this frustration and mental agony will eventually amount to a ~~generous pay cheque~~ great career at the end of the day. Is this the wise part?
My relationship with my family has significantly improved, there has been less disgruntled moments this whole year, in fact I don’t have any still etched in memory so it must have been alright. The mother and I seem to be doing a lot more bonding and a lot less squabbling, though there is still no curtain shopping. I guess I am slowly growing up. My dad is still being very stubborn about my choice of partner, and I’m sure a part of him feels I’m setting myself up for something that I’m not prepared for. I’ve passed the stage where I think about it and get angry, now I just want to be able to sit on the swing like we used to, and gently ask him for his blessings. I want to ask him to let me make the mistakes he think I will be making, if it does go awry, for him to be there for me, but if it ends up with a fairytale ending, I want him to be an active character in it. And the brother and Aji are my same two favorite drunkards who constantly inject humour in my life.

Soppyness aside. I think I can safely say that I’m happy with how life is going.. and isn’t that all that matters..

I guess there is a first for everything

2006-07-23T05:01:00.000-07:00

When it comes to traffic summons, i'm actually quite used to getting them. There was a time when receiving summons became sort off like a hobby. I'd proudly pin up all the paid receipts on the tack board of my cubicle in the office. Cummatively, if i gave all that money to a charity organization i'm sure they would have been able to feed or educate a few at least.

But today, was a new one for me.

Right after dropping Aji off at the crowded, messy and noisy Pudu bus station i was slowly inching my way through traffic trying to get back home when i got a phone call. This is where we'll all note that i lost my mobile headset last month. So yes, i got pulled over by a cop in fake RBs on a cloudy day for talking on a handphone while driving.

I, graciously admitted to my mistake. Even though I did that he was giving me a lot of slack about not obeying the law and getting off on being able to lecture me and hold up more traffic. After awhile, and i'm sure the only reason it moved on was because i didnt know how to say 'i'm admitting i made a mistake what the @#$%^&*&^%$ are you giving me a lecture for you poser copper who stopped me for talking on my mobile while driving even though i was moving slower then most people would walk" in Malay, i asked him if he wanted to see my drivers license and he proceeded to write me what i thought was my summon. So i'll pay the fine and be cautious the next time my phone rings while i'm driving.

I couldn't have been more wrong.

I got a summon to appear in traffic court two months from now. TRAFFIC COURT!

My mom erupted into a minor fit when she heard. Because according to the new ruling the maximum charge for this offence is 3000 bucks.

THREE THOUSAND BUCKS!

And to think i was fretting over another 200 buck summon.
This is when i spend the rest of the evening in bed.

*sniff*

Where is the love

2006-06-29T21:41:00.000-07:00

The past two weeks its been coming in abundance, in little pockets from time to time.

Two weeks back, on the 16th, this relationship i have with a bald, meat eating, bourbon loving Malayalee boy with an infectious sense of humour turned 3 years old. And for the first time in three years, we were actually together on that day and didnt have to make promises of it being extra special when we do finally get to celebrate.
And special it was, we didnt have any eloborate plans and did things normal couples would do. Something thats actually uncommon for us, what with him being in Singapore and me being here and all. We went to Tesco and grocery shopped with leisure, not having to rush off to meet someone, or make it in time for a bus. We both love grocery shopping but thats a different post altogther. We cooked dinner, we barbequed our steaks, we had beer and vodka, and we watched video clips - and we talked. We talked. And it was just him and me, the whole day through. Which is such a rarity. Except for the tiny episode at night, everything went perfect. This is why i know that i'm in for something really good here. Because no matter how many time we scream our lungs off at each other, or wish we could literally knock sense into each other (based on our own ideas of what sense is that is) or how many times we complain about the other -- we're actually very much into each other. Even with seeing each others ugliest, most evil sides, we still want to be with each other and i guess that says a lot.

Last Saturday, Logan finally came back from the States (and today he was off to New Zealand but yea..anyway..). With the four days we had, between having to see the grandmoms, going back to campus to settle his uni work, debates stuff etc etc I managed to give him the lowdown on whats been happening in the past month. And he listened, and i think i have the batteries to go on for another month. Oh, and he brought back Reese's Peices.. yummmyy!

On Sunday night, we met up with the voices gang for drinks, football, pool and a lil laughs. This is a family i know will always be there and one where i can always be myself in. And with great friends, also comes great assumptions that everybody knows each other is a great friend. For the first time on Sunday night, this woman, who complains about putting on weight but loves rice, and who has some of the best clothes, and is no random girl i assure you, told me that she appreciates the things i do and just likes me being around. It made me feel like a million bucks to know that things i did with no second thought or j"ust because" actually meant so much to somebody. And it sucks that it takes a crisis or a serious discussion before people tell people how much they mean to them. The after feeling is something that just lives with you forever. I hope she knows that she's amazing and that i'm gonna miss having nasi lemak and red wine with her at 3am in the morning.

And today, in this place where i have grown to be quite a grouch, developed an extremely short fuse and maybe lost a bit of my personality -- I actually felt, well, loved. I came in to work to find chocolates and a card from a colleague -- in line with today being Appreciation Day, saying how much she likes me being in the team.

Sniffle...

Soppyness ahead

2006-06-22T02:10:00.000-07:00

I miss Logan

I need to whine and complain and victimize myself on how i have no social life and an unending to do list so badly i am going to combust. Not like i haven't been doing so already, whining i mean not combusting. Its just that, Logan would always ask 'how I'm doing' and then i would burst into verbal diarrhoea. So its different from me going up to someone and yapping away. Plus, actually this is the best part, he just has this way of making me feel like he actually wants to know.

Heh!

He's SO not prepared for whats gonna hit him when he gets back. Besides, Aji's ears need a break. Bila la abang aku ni nak balikkkkkk

PLONK

2006-06-20T18:22:00.000-07:00

*falls flat on floor with pile of work on top of her*

*searches frantically for a breather*

Remind me again why i wanted to be part of the corporate world..

TGIF

2006-06-08T23:34:00.000-07:00

Is it a bad sign when you start looking forward to Fridays? When Mondays just seem to drag insanely slow, and Tuesdays feel like this time zone that never ends. By the time you reach
Wednesday afternoons you're so bitter and frustrated that you're tempted to sock someone across the head with your laptop? Thursday is all about looking forward to the days end, and then Friday comes and the spirit slowly creeps back inside you again. On Saturday, you start beleiving that maybe, just maybe life isnt that bad after all, and that the world can be a pretty place if you look in the right places and talk to the right people. Sunday mornings present a beautiful feeling but then, as the evening approaches that feeling slowly dwindles. But Sunday night, its completely sucked out of you and you walk around the house telling everyone - your mom, dad, grandma, maid, stuffed Mr Bean bear, the clothes iron, your blankie, the random man walking down the street -- that tomorrow is Monday and the cycle starts over again.

Long overdue

2006-05-25T20:21:00.000-07:00

It's never too late to upload Kodak moments. I wasnt as
camera trigger happy at this years Asians as the past years. Maybe cause half the time i was sloshed, and the other half my digicam got hijacked.

The pride just bursting, bursting i tell ya bursting

And many more which my fingers weren't nimble enough to catch

Then we had the laughter,

Oh the pain

2006-05-20T10:34:00.000-07:00

For the past three days it feels like there are ten thousand tiny men with huge hammers pounding away in my head. Each picking a spot of their on and vehemently pounding. Pounding with a vengence. Pounding. Pounding.

Painkillers and relaxants dont seem to be working. I seem to be walking around with a continous frown on my face and am very, very irritable. Very irritable.

If this headache doesn't go away soon i'm going to end up loosing what little of my personality i have left.

Random bits o' the past days

2006-05-07T21:14:00.000-07:00

My plan gone awry
I hadn't been gyming since i switched roles -- comes to just short couple days of a month. Yesterday i ventured into the realms of sweat and vigour again and was very gung ho to resume my excercise regime. Frist disapointment was that i had put back on the weight i'd lost in the three months, in this past three weeks. They've even changed the weighing machine, it now displays the weight in lbs instead of kgs, i like the latter measurement better, smaller digits. Second one was when i couldn't hold more then 20 minutes on the cross track. Boo hoo. And today, my arms are shouting agony.

Squashed like an over ripe banana
I have to blog this for angie's benefit, cos i told her i will. My beautiful shiny perfect not been hit before car got driven into a street lamp by a dear treasured loved friend last saturday. The sun was shining and a potentially exciting day was ahead, I had just driven back from a satisfying gastronomical experience when dear treasured loved friend's car battery died and i joked that if he hurt my car i would have to kill him. Needless to say i was not amused when the phone call came. Especially when i was driving back home and it started to rain, showers of blessings literally. It was gracious of him to have offered to cover all the damages -- else i would really have had to kill him. All is good now, i'm back to zooming on the highways peacufully enjoying having my wheels back.

Another thing i'd rather be doing
On Saturday afternoon

Sumi: Guess where i am?
Annu: Langkawi
Sumi: Guess where you're NOT?
Annu: Bitch

Yea so another tourney has begun and my attempts at moving on with life have proven futile again. I am after all, sitting in the office with mountains of work to do and cribbing about how much i'd rather be there. I can't wait for Wednesday morning -- cause i will be heading up north and wouldn't have to think of work for 6 whole glorious days. Its usually these days that past way faster then the regular days but what the heck, its my holli holli-daay!

Retail theraphy
Two pairs of shoes, a skirt and many new tops.. and i've been eyeing a white jacket -- somebody slap me the next time i complain about not having any savings.

Needs some oil-ing

2006-04-27T20:36:00.000-07:00

I am quite penat

I havent felt this kind of being tired in a long while. Not the tired where you've just finished a few hours of strenous activity and look forward to a shower and the bed. I feel this sudden body breakdown from 2 - 3 weeks of non stop action. Not the fun romantic kind may i add.

Oddly enough, its also not the action where my body is going through vigorous training or something. Most of the hours are spent in constant sit down neck craning fingers on type pad position. Where the times i'm walking - which has lately been restricted to from a building to the car, from the car to a building - i feel the sudden urge to go to an abandoned field and run my guts out, you know, through the daffodils and summer sun kind.

Actually whats really getting to me is i feel drained mentally and emotionally as well. These two weeks have seen an overload on periodic surges of worry, and thinking and trying to decide my years to come. I tell you the mental and emotional penat-ness is worse then the physical penat-ness. At least when its just my muscles aching i can dive into sulmber and wake up refreshed. With the mind racing, the minute i am awake it starts its rollercoaster again.

Some one told me i am becoming more and more of a yuppie. Please, yuppies spend on nonsensicle (sp?) gadgets and outings and i am still quite kiam siap in that area. Their justification is because i dress and visit eateries that are labeled with yuppiness -- and i speak like one. How in the world does someone speak like a yuppie? Bitterly? Or arrogantly? Or when they talk about their work all the time? I dont think i fall into any of those three categories, god forbid. I dress the way i do and go to places i do because i spend more and more hours at work now, and either i eat with workmates - where people bump into me or i meet up with friends straight from the office and am not big on changing clothes in the car.

I got my AMEX corporate card yesterday which sprung me back to the time when i was trying to cook up a cool hotmail id for myself. You know the time when everyone had funky nicks and nobody used their own names. Its supposed to subconciously say alot about the kind of people we are, the nicks we choose to identify ourself. Anyway i digress. So when i was chatting and asking for opinions, an ex boyfriend suggestion americanexpress@hotmail cos he saw the potential in me to swipe the plactic at any opportunity i got. Seeing at how i have managed to refrain from getting myself a credit card up til now, maybe there was some truth in that. Oh who am i kidding, i would be swipping at every shoe sale in town!

But, just for shoes, because they make the penat-ness go away.

Top 3 things i learnt this weekend

2006-04-23T09:58:00.000-07:00

I have a serious decreasing tolerence for daftness,stupidity, blatant showcasing of ignorance. Point of realization was Friday night when two chickas we're spewing nonsence from their mouths and were getting high on it. They truly believed they were intelligent -- i'm not saying i'm more then they are, but they proved it with the whole 'huh' look everytime me and NG tried to sway the topic to more stimulating material. Okay who am i kidding i am saying i'm more intelligent then they are. Heh!

I cannot stand people who use religion as immunity. No, making regular trips to the place of worship of your choice does not make you a good person unless and until you live like one. If your character does not translate to others as one of good values and one that is decent, to the very least -- embracing religion periodically is just your convenient way of self delusion. Don't for the love of anything even think about preaching to me.

I regret not travelling after i graduated. I jumped into working right away and now its difficult to do anything for more then 3 days. I love travelling. And i look at all the oppertunities for scholarships and visas that i could have tried for, but missed the chance to. Now, i have too many commitments to just pack up and go. Damnit.

ugh

2006-04-19T04:58:00.000-07:00

I miss being able to leave work when the sun is still up..

No Annu, do not dramatize yet, more time must pass..

more.. time.. must.. pass..

UPDATE: Okay maybe i was dramatizing somewhat. Now that i have showered and filled my rumbling tummy it doesnt seem so ugh anymore. Maybe i just missed fighting with my mom for the idiot box, and need more sleep.

Oh happy day tomorrow..oh happy day.. can u sense that i am pshyching myself up?

The only constant variable.

2006-04-18T09:21:00.000-07:00

Some times when things get too comfortable i'll start wondering what it's like if it changed. For some things, i can make a move on it before the situation becomes a rut -- but..

For some other things i think -- am i too comfortable with things to a point where i dont see that it needs change or worse still, do i simply deny the obvious glaring need for change...

because i am afraid i wont be able to handle it..

Do i keep reasoning with myself because i think if i debate it in my head and sort out as many possible ways it can work without having to talk about change then it will..

Do i comfort myself with saying that i have what most people don't thus i should be happy about it..

even though i cry myself to sleep alot...

Do i contradict these nagging feelings i have because there are changes happening with others, changes we have been looking forward too, changes which, idealy would be in our favour..

but what if these thoughts i have never go away.. i cant help but wonder if it will always cast its shadow on all the external happiness.

Then i question if i never talk about this and it happens, then am i allowed to say i knew this would happen or did i help it happen because i reasoned, comforted and contradicted.

Am i, refusing to acknowledge my fears because i don't want to hurt your feelings.. or is it because i am trying to spare my feelings, because i fear you will launch into defending the very things that are upseting me -- which would be doing exactly what the problem is -- the reason why so many things go unsaid.

But deep down inside, i am so scared that it will brew inside me to a point where i explode and it brings to the one form of change that will truly, truly change everything..

everything.

So Voices got a few more 'firsts' last night.

2006-04-11T09:15:00.000-07:00

A broken nose, four stiches, chipped teeth and a mild concussion - on my brother and BabyG (I cant remember his real name for the life of me now!) respectively -- after they crashed into each other.

And all this before the alcohol was induced. For a bunch of university graduates, lesson learnt, no more trying to throw people into the pool.

*****************************************************************************
I'm quite happy i never dove into medicine, i hate the sight of blood. Yesterday i calmly waltzed over to the scene cause i figured they'd both just walk away with bumps on their heads. Then i saw BabyG writhing on the ground and a trail of blood on the beautiful tiled poolside, dripping from the laceration on my brother's broken nose. There's a saying in tamil which goes along the lines of 'hands and legs cannot use' -- yea that was me. I went on worry mode, over drive.

We took Logan to a clinic and they sent us to a hospital straight cause an xray was needed. I shift one gear up on worry mode. We reach ER (which was actually quite slow, but i have to say being a private hospital he was treated much quicker then a government hospital would have) and the nurse cleans up the mess and i erm, take pictures of his swollen nose with my phone. Then we see the doc and he starts shooting all these words -- drastic, hematoma, stitches -- and i shift another gear up worry mode. But all ended well and we trotted back cracking jokes and continued the party.

Here's another reason why he is a true champion. He took all that like well, a true champion, laughing and joking and calming us, the people around him who were freaking out. And his top priority after he came out of the OT was to check on BabyG who was at the clinic. If i had a broken nose and stitches i would have been hunched in a corner crying and wallowing in my sorry fate, inflicting more self pity then required and cursing at my circumstances.

Both patients seem to be recovering well. Though i wonder what happened to the enormous bill that was much hoo-haad about at BabyG's end..

Drama drama..

So much for living in a nice friendly neighbourhood

2006-04-08T20:41:00.000-07:00

Some arseholes broke into my brother's car.

They smashed the window and took his CD player everything - even the football. Must have messed with the alarm as well, since we didnt hear anything.

Cursed be them who did it.

I hope their arms rot and fall off. Just before they meet a painful end.

Made the move - did not want to jinx

2006-04-04T09:26:00.000-07:00

So I put my John Hancock on the dotted lines a few weeks back and officially started the new position yesterday. NO I didnt quit my current company and run to another. I'm just switching roles. Still in the same company just got an, well, i guess i'll call it an upgrade.

The first two days haven't been much to shout about, but from all the sneers and sly warnings the rest of the team give me, i bet i'm going to be hitting the ground running. And the grapevines say that this is not one i want to be complacent or mess around with. I'm hoping that at the end of the day i find reason to all the extra work load i will be facing, reason more then just having a happier wallet. Yea, i figured i'm getting old and should start building a career path right about now, and this is a line i can see myself in for.. for quite some time at least. You know, self growth and development, making a future for yourself and all that things they tell you one must do to be happy and successfull and be able to own all material goodness in life.

I'm just going to try and pay my study loan religiously from now on, lets start with baby steps eh.

On a lighter completely unrelated note, i cut my hair -- again.

I know i am a worry wart.

2006-03-30T03:32:00.000-08:00

Ever since the latest revelation in the saga that is my relationship (ref: Previous post) i have all these gazillion questions running through my head.

More then just what or how i will come across to his parents, now is also the time we've got to start deciding what we want to do with our lives - together.

We've covered that he'll come here, now we have to work on building him a life here, thats individual from mine. I know all the love stories will tell you that love conquers all. Well it wont. If we don't have joint income, we wont be able to get ourselves property, automobiles and the beautiful lifestyle we want together. So yea, public announcement here, if anyone knows anyone who knows anyone who would be keen on hiring an Indian national with a Singaporean PR who would love to work in Malaysia, and is a robotics engineer by profession, you know my email!

Securing a job would seem like the easier part. Then there is the whole buying stuff thing. I'm the kind of person who doesn't read contracts, just sign at the bottom. Every time i need to get something that involves huge amounts of paperwork done, i go with my dad or my brother. They figure out which is the best loan, which has the lowest interest, which has good market value bla bla.. in other words, they do the hard work and i just tell them what i want. Now, i'll have to be involved in the whole process and it all just sounds so daunting.

Plus the thought that both sets of parents might start talking about the M word keeps flying through my mind. I mean talk about it okay la we talk about it too. But you know, i'm worried they'd go beyond just talking about how drunk Logan and Praba would get , or how I would most probably cry or how the dinner will be a bbq. Yes we want it to happen too, more then ever but there's all these other things to worry about. This whole thing has so many sensitivities its worse then a hindi movie. Theres the whole civil ceremony vs cultural ceremony. Then the whole which location, Then the whole when(?!?!), i mean, we're not even close to ready, Look at our bank balances, combined even we're not halfway there. Then there's money, OH GAWD the money questions don't even get me started there! I want the biggest most gorgeous wedding in the world!!!!! Like, seriously. For real.

I have no more finger nails to chew on!!

I feel like a wreck just thinking about it and they're only going to be coming in a few months time.

Oh woe be my finger nails..

*runs hysterically through office corridors*

Another page turned

2006-03-25T10:31:00.000-08:00

Saying yesterday ended with joyous news would be an understatement. Its news that could probably change my life. News that could mean i would have to grow up in a matter of months. News that could mean every time i've said 'we'll cross that bridge when we get there' is soon upcoming.

I've always feared the prospect of meeting Aji's parents. I mean, I've looked forward to it, but doing it also scares me. Simply because i know that i'm not exactly the ideal daughter in law that they've dreamt off for their only son. And i dont know what they're expecting. Do i say hello, or do i say welcome to malaysia, do i say its good to finally meet you, or do i say i've heard so much about you. Or would they be expecting a girl who doesnt say much at all!? Will they be waiting for a flaw to show, or will i be in such a mess that all the flaws will show one after another? I dont expect them to immediately be accepting of me simply because their son wants them too, yet i'm hoping they wouldnt be looking for a moment to go 'hah see we knew this was a bad idea'.

Heck, Aji took all the nonsence from my end, i guess its fair that i take what ever comes my way with grace. They're probably just as anxious as i am. I suppose it's part of things falling into place. I'm glad they've finally agreed to meeting me and my family, at least...

I'm just so afraid of screwing it up..

Logan repeated a line from The Alchemist when i started whining to him about this, and its going to me my new tag line.

"If its your destiny, the universe will conspire to make it happen"

A special dedication

2006-03-23T09:40:00.000-08:00

I’m actually quite flattered that you chose to dissect my sms to you in a blog post. I would have been impressed however; if you defended your sms to me like you say you were doing your actions.

Don’t patronize your coach by saying his actions may be due to his better half. You wouldn’t want me patronizing you by saying most of yours are also due to who used to be your better half.

I said you were sly and cunning because you did do it behind his back. Because you made no effort to discuss with the person involved until it was over and the damage was done. Because of the manner you handled it. I have no question of what your action was and in whose service it was intended to, I only hate the effect it had on my loved one. Not your club, but my better half.

Now let me tell you why I perceive there are sides. Because there are people in your club, not your coach, but your friends who come and tell me there are. Because your friends repeat incidents that happen between you and repeat quotes like ‘its either you’re with us or against us’. She volunteered the information to me, with no insighting what so ever. In fact, she actually asked me on advise for how she can get back at the lot of you. Again, not from your coach but from your buddy. Your good ole buddy. Maybe you should get her to watch what she shares. I can name you a few other members from yours and my squad who were present when she was doing that, if you’ve lost all trust in me.

Now you know what is really pissing me off? Just as how defensive you are over your club, so am I over mine. And now I hear that you and your friends have had a jolly good time spreading stories about my club and actively using some of the names of its members. That’s right, I’d like to ask your terrorist friend where she gets off telling the new kids that my brother, pulled her and your team A aside last year and told you guys that your coach lost the Asians money, and therefore had to burrow the money from him to pay the rego. It was bad enough you hurt Aji dude, to mess around with Logan’s name is just pure stupidity on who evers part.

Now I’m really annoyed with you. If you knew of this story and made no effort to rectify it then you truly deserve all those negative labels against you. Here is what really happened, dear terrorist friend.

The money was given by two members of team A to the third member to pass to the coach to be passed to me, so I could pay the rego. Instead the third member chose to lend it to a friend. And that friend never paid him the money back. The money never touched the hands of your coach. You wonder then how your team A managed to make it to the Asians?

I PAID FOR YOUR FUCKING REGO, FOR ALL OF YOU. OUT OF MY OWN FUCKING POCKET. And I never asked you, any of you for a cent back, the only thing I reprimanded you for was for lending your friend the money in the first place. RM 1800 in total and I did it willingly because I had faith and confidence in the three speakers who would have been denied the chance if not. I saw a team that could excel and I wanted you to, sincerely. I still have the receipts and the bank transfer sheets for you non believers.

So go ahead and call me a non member, but revel in the fact that if I didn’t do that you would have never, never gotten the experience and victory you have to your names now.

What are you going to do? Find another way to blame this on your coach? You going to say it was his idea to lend your friend the money? Whatever it is dude, they trusted you with the money, you withdrew it from Ballestier and you gave it away without a second thought. Fact is your team mates trusted you with that money and you failed in fulfilling the responsibility of getting rego paid.

And where the hell does your terrorist friend get off telling your new kids that one of my members is a slut who likes to sleep with white men?

Don’t you or your posse fucking dare spread another story with anybody from MMU involved. And tell your beautiful team mate that if she ever calls my coach a ‘fucked up adjudicator’ again she will be bitch slapped so hard she wont see tomorrow.

As much as it may disappoint you to know, my better half actually never takes my opinions when it comes to training you, if he did that cancer you love so much would have been gone long ago.

I take up your offer for confrontation any day. Because I would love to tell every body the stories I know and have it all out in the open. But if you and your friends don’t have the truth to speak about then I suggest you all shut the fuck up. You want to play dirty and say i too speak of your clubs members, sure i do but its the truth only and i will defend it to my dying day.

I was upset with you for hurting your coach, but don’t think you and your buddies can get away with tarnishing the name of my squad and its members.

Breaking down the wall.

2006-03-20T03:04:00.000-08:00

Over the weekend i realised that some of the fears i had in this person that i held very dearly all came true and this morning it was just confirmed

Its amazing how easily you are swayed from the people who truly show you hope and love. I want to be bold and say all it takes is to give you something, but then i realise that we too gave you that and it went unnoticed, and in return i dont want to start assuming why we mean less then them. But I would like to think we have done more. We stood by you when you had the most difficult times, but you credit them for it. We encouraged you, we gave you hope and we gave you all the motivation you needed, and you still find some way to credit them for it. We made sure you had a freaking roof over head but yet you would rather credit them for it. Hell, we even comforted you when they hurt you, yet you will find some way to defend that as well. I dont think want to fool myself anymore by thinking that you do actually care for us, and that all that we were doing you appreciate.

I am so thankful that the debate society i come from is a family. I love the way our successes are shared across the board, and when one team does well everybody else is genuinely happy. I love how we have such a strong bond, that even if one of us stumbles and fall - be it personal or professional - we will be there backing each other up. I love how even if we have fall-outs with each other, in the debate arena we are a team and we are each others biggest cheerleaders. I love that there is no politics or power struggles. I love that there is no arrogance and show of superiority. I love that there is no team A or team B, only team MMU.

Its amazing how you have one credential to your name yet your heads have gotten to the size of Russia. I hate to imagine what it would be like if you broke into the international scene. Your arrogance will eventually be your downfall, when you realize that the only way you can get to top is when people are with you in that journey, and one day people will give up trying to find that nice kid we all knew once upon a time – the kid who ate humble pie and therefore, made us genuinely root for his success. Don’t flatter yourself by thinking you and your team deserve a glorified label, take a step back before your skills take a back stand to all your self glorification.

Another thing I love about my debate squad is how everyone helps each other, and knowledge is shared without any hesitance. How we truly want the newer kids to be able to beat the more senior debaters some day.

Are you so insecure with yourselves that you find it difficult to share your knowledge and your experience with your juniors who truly look up to you? Or is it purely out of the selfish need to hold on to that top spot. Let me tell you all something, they’re capable of creaming you, all three of you.

I’ve been known to be someone who’s very vocal with her opinions. If someone has hurt me or the people close to me and they make no effort in redeeming themselves, I see no reason as to why I have to polish their egos. But because you are blinded by your feelings and emotions, don’t take my opinions and thoughts and share it with other people as something else against me.

I heard that you trivialized my opinions of your beloved as propaganda. Rest assured, I would not put active energy into actually lobbying for anything about her. The only person I try to do that with is you, because I truly care for you and I was there when she hurt you. But who am I to think that was actually a bad thing for you right.

And finally, you speak of karma, but you don’t realize that karma is not in what you receive from others, but in what you do unto others.

If you havent noticed already, you've disapointed me, which is worst then pissing me off.

Back to basics

2006-03-15T07:43:00.000-08:00

Basked in Pulau Kapas for the past 3 days, was largely to appease Ange, and also to spend some time with her before she leaves for her great European adventure. Nevermind that we see each other in the office everyday, we needed a change in scenario.

And what a change it was alright. See, my holidays are usually packed with activity. As much as she warned me that Kapas isnt high on the list for to-dos at the back of my mind i still thought we'll be having a jam packed 3 days. The only activity the island is famous for is snorkeling and diving - and i'm waterphobic.

Topping it off we stayed at a backpackers joint, a hut built with wood, where you sleep under a kelambu, electricity is from 7pm to 7am and the water is rationed. Not annu's idea of dream holiday.

Dont get me wrong, i'm glad she dragged me there, or more like my sense of not wanting to dissapoint her made me put on a cheerful front and go (though i'm sure she would content the cheerful front part). You see, i spent a good two and half days on the hammock, that was tied between the coconut trees which shaded the whole island. And it was rest much needed. And i had all the time in the world to think about everything. Seriously, everything. It was the only holiday i could walk barefeet for two days and no one blinked, i could move between two worlds - the world of bare neccesities where we stayed and then the posh resort next door where we went for most of our meals. Which i also went to bare feet.

And i did go snorkeling. I was scared and held to Ange's hand for dear life, but the minute i saw the underwater world all that agonizing was well worth it. For that half hour i felt like Ariel! I saw ~~nemos~~, clown fish, parrot fish, dories, moray eels, a snake(!), a whole other fish i couldnt name, i even saw a ship wreck! It was awesome, i was in a different world. We even went shark hunting (just to watch not to catch) but alas, maybe next time.

Its amazing how much you can learn about a person when you ~~are forced to~~ spend days with them. Having no tv and no boat to mainland gave us lots to talk about. We may not agree on everything, but she's someone who listens, and i can share alot with, and i'm going to miss buckets full when she takes off in that plane.

Hyperactive gastric juices wait for no man!

2006-03-06T01:39:00.000-08:00

I think I’ve written about this before, but it still happens all the time so it warrants further mentioning. I hate waiting. It used to frustrate me to bits when I was still dependant on public transport and had to wait for the bus on its neurotic schedules. I get annoyed when I’m stuck in a jam waiting for the car to move two inches forward. I don’t like waiting for the lift, heck I even get annoyed waiting for the kettle to boil. I don’t proclaim to be punctual all the time, but I try my level best, and the fact that I seem to wait for people more then people wait for me I guess shows that I have some sense to what I’m saying. Mmm?

Over the weekend my family and I waited an hour plus for relatives to arrive for dinner. I love these relatives to bits; they’re some of the better ones, the ones who just do no wrong. Except when I’m on an empty stomach and have an aching arse from my dinner being massively delayed. Actually the aching arse was due to extremely uncomfortable chairs. But what ticked me off more that night was the way my dad responded to when I suggested we start dinner with the people who were at the table first, not finish dinner without the much expected guest – but just start. My dad just exploded. He raised his voice and told me off for being disrespectful and for thinking of being so rude to my elders, for even having the audacity to suggest such a thing maybe I shouldn’t join further family dinners.

Yikes, take a chill pill pop.

I reiterate I love those relatives we were waiting for endlessly. But an hour and half? I was so embarrassed and angry at how my dad treated my suggestion (in front of everybody may I add) I just shut up and sat there with the blackest face yet. I don’t know maybe it’s just me, but I think respecting other people’s time is not age sensitive. And when I have children I will teach them just that. To always respect the other people in your company’s time. Never have people wait for you and if you have to, call. Most of all, I would never scream at and oppress their views the way my dad did. I’d rather nurture them to be capable of sharing, voicing and defending their opinions then having them keep their feelings inside – be it anger or disappointment or frustration. Especially when they are opinions that make sense. Hmph!

I want to be a groupie

2006-02-27T03:11:00.000-08:00

The concert was insane. The innitial euphoria has simmered down now, which is a good thing else this whole post will be 'aaaaaaaaaarggggggggggggh'. It was my first rock concert ever, yes i know, late bloomer, lame whatever you want to call it i'm it. But that just made the experience all the more exciting. We got busted when trying to bring in alcohol, squashed in the crowd and i had Disco screaming in my ears half the time. We were at the stadium a couple of hours earlier, with hardly a line much to our disapoinment. Logan and Sumi went in search of happy liquids and i made friends with a cute NS chap while waiting for Aji. The desperate urge to pee just vanished once the band started playing. It was absa-f*ckin-lutely insane. I know Sumi will say this is my favourite but i repeat it simply because it is true. When Liam said 'this is for the ladies out there' and sang Wonderwall, I knew it was meant for me. ME! ME GODAMNIT ME!! I still have Champagne Supernova ringing in my head

Brokeback Mountain

We watched in on big screen, much to Aji's dismay. I found the movie really sad. It would have been the perfect love story if it was a man and a woman. Being two men, and in that time, them not being able to display their true feelings and having to live lifes that are endorsed by society - even more heartwrenching was the little little signs that showed how they really felt. I am so accustomed to Malaysian cencorship that i half expected the love scenes to be choppy and patched. As a friend put it, why do stories about homosexual love always have to end sad. I wonder how many sheep died in the whole duration of the shooting though.

Absolute indulgence

I havent eaten so much rice in a row in a very long time. All my meals consisted of the wonderful starchy grains in different forms. Sumi will attest to the simply addictive briyani that we indulged in a few times. I also hadn't slept that much in months. Even though i found myself awake most of the time, largely due to habit, the amount of naps and hours i had shut eye has left me longing for a pillow in the office today. We all got so sloshed on Friday night. We found a place with 20 SGD all you can drink and made full advantage of it. The drinks were surprisingly not watered down, and the company we had made it easier to kick back and enjoy the night. Conversation was plentiful and as all drunken stories go, we ended up getting all emotional. I wonder how we got to 'what we would do with a million dollars' to 'who we loved more in the whole world'. I stepped out of that cab in tears that night, but it was things that had to be said, and things that had to be heard. Happy tears, no doubt.

Whats the story morning glory?

2006-02-22T18:50:00.000-08:00

The much anticipated 23rd is finally here. A hurried day at work, a 4.5 hour bus ride down south (thank you Mr. bus driver man!) and a boxfull of Boon Tong Kee, which is only the best chicken rice ever. Tried to watch Syrianna but it was hitting 2am and the thought that i'd been awake for the past 20 hours was scaring me.

Now i am awake. Am bored and anxious. Restless and agitated. I have a sore neck and its annoying me. I'm tempted to jump on Logan and Sumi and wake them up. Aji should have faked a sickness and skipped work. Time must fly, fast fast fast... cause tonight is the much looked forward to.

It all started with an email from NG. We've had the tickets for a month plus, and we've, okay I've been planning for the past 3 weeks. I refuse to give any of the rest credit cause they hadn't even had their SGD changed when we boarded the bus. Hmph. Anyway, I'm sure Sumi has some elite groupie outfit all picked out and Logan is wearing his jeans and sneakers so it must be a big night for us. Again, Aji should have faked a sickness and skipped work. Time must fly, fast fast fast...cause tonight is the much looked forward to

OASIS concert

*does a groupie scream and faints*

It's not always about you eh

2006-02-19T23:35:00.000-08:00

When I was growing up the adults around me used to tell me that you have to look for that big break. And more often then not it doesn’t come easily. I’ve never been one who had opportunities handed to her on a silver platter, at the same time; there have been some which I decided just wasn’t for me.

Now that I’m an adult myself (or at least that’s what they tell me) I see a lot of younger people around me not appreciating some of the breaks they’ve been given. I know that they ought to be considering themselves fortunate because these are opportunities a lot of their peers crave for. Yet, they make excuses not to excel in them. It’s going to make me sounds like an old foggie saying this, but it’s disappointing. It’s disheartening.

I think people today are too caught up with having an ‘issue’. Even though they are normal healthy individuals they like having something that makes them stick out in a crowd. It’s disturbing when people start wanting to stick out in more ways then just having psychedelic multi coloured hair or oddly placed piercings (god I must really be getting old). All this self inflicted depression and destruction is starting to annoy me. There are more ways to have people’s attention focused on you then to constantly have a problem in your life. Especially when you know the people around you will genuinely rally around you to see you through it. When it gets to acts of constant whining or sudden bursts of neediness then I get the hint that what they really want is all eyes on them. They don’t realize that sometimes it’s someone else’s moment and it’s just a selfish act to steal their thunder.

Or I’m just increasingly less tolerant of the whole ‘damsel in distress’ and ‘I come from a broken family so my life just must be screwed up’ and ‘it’s so much pressure being a teenager’ drama. Don’t patronize the people who actually have these situations and don’t insult those who come from those backgrounds and have made a good life for themselves.

Alo-ha

2006-02-18T18:17:00.000-08:00

Coming to you live from Sumi's room in Cyberjaya. I type this while she dries herself and clothes herself behind me.

I'm actually early.

The roads have improved, what used to take me an hour just took me 20 minutes today. Okay an hour was like 3 years ago la. I did some racing with some lady in an Iswara. And i lost. Only because there was an oil tanker in front of me and i didn't want to go up in flames. You know like in the movies.

So its the tryouts today. For the Asians, and I wouldn't be part of this one. Have been in all since 2002. Ahh well, Annu is, growing up? I hear the kids have improved, I look forward to seeing them.

I need some caffeine. I've gotten used to having breakfast everyday since working at the Blue, so now i'm hungry. I'm in the mood for meat.

Grunt

2006-02-15T23:18:00.000-08:00

Stop asking me already what me and Aji did on valentines day. We were on the phone la, what else would a couple in a long distance relationship do?!

Unless asking me is merely a self invitation to start blabbing what you and your loved one did then yea sure go ahead i will indulge you. Even if i'm itching to reach out and slap some sensitivity into you.

Truth is..

I would give up all the expensive candlelit dinners, all the fancy Japenese buffets, all the extravagant five star hotel packages, all the balinese spa massages, all the flower decorations and soft toys and chocolates.. if i just got to hold his hand and walk to the nearest mamak stall on V day. No scratch that. I would give it all up if i just got to hold his hand on V day.

So stuff it already and let me dwell in my circumstances.

What a waker upper!

2006-02-13T01:19:00.000-08:00

Its mighty difficult to be productive at work on a Monday when your weekend gave you a cumulative of 10 hours of sleep. Thats the grand total from Friday morning, right up to Sunday night. I sometimes get more in one night.

And just when you feel the weights of your eyelids getting heavier, and you think that there is no out of this slow, draggy and extremely uneventful day - one of your closest friends goes and bags herself the Fulbright scholarship. Congratulations Sumi! Now you can finally do the masters of your choice, and have all the pasty white men at your disposal! But rice and sambar how...? :)

Hmph.

2006-02-08T00:37:00.000-08:00

And to think that i was actually looking forward to the sessions with the personal trainer. Never mind the excruciating pain that followed the next day from the one hour of machines he made me do, that i know was in my benefit. I know now for a fact that i will never, never get a trainer because i just cant stand having someone stare at me continuously while I'm trying to work out.

Its like what happens at the dentist you know. How many of you have had the dentist ask you questions while you have your mouth gaping open and he's prodding around in it with cold steel objects - and he actually expects an answer from you. So yea. Similiar situation just this time I'm running and tired because i don't usually run, and he's asking me questions which i answer like this. "I *pant* do comm *pant pant* communica *pant* communications *pant*". And he has the nerve to ask me 'tired ke?'. Like duh.

Then, I've always had a concern about well, you know, all the activity of my well endowed chest while I'm running away like a maniac. Having a peeve about that is bad enough, having someone next to you, constantly staring, not necessarily at my boobs but just generally staring makes me tenfolds more self conscious. Trying to run with the least impact as possible can be really hard, especially when he keeps increasing the speed and i start wondering if my boobs are going to fall off soon.

Oh but before all that!! I've decided, that from now on the only times I'm going to allow someone to measure me all over is if i want to tailor something. Seriously, he measured and measured - for a good ten to fifteen minutes. I bet he thought he was doing me a favour when he decided to point out my 'trouble areas' while he was at it. I'll measure my own fat from now on thank you very much. And i don't need someone else telling me with a chuckle that I'm only 156 cm, I've painfully known that since i was fourteen when i stopped growing. Vertically that is.

The real turn off however happened at the second session yesterday. When he spent a significant amount of our hour together trying to sell me a package rather then actually train. I understand that its their bread and butter, and that the better a sales person they are, the more they bring home at the end of the day. But really, in this kind of business you have to know when you are starting to annoy the customer with your persistence. Because then its extremely counter productive. When someone says no thank you three to four to seven times, after indulging you in your whole speech on why they simply must have a personal trainer else they are doomed to live an unhealthy and fat filled life of disgust, it really is your cue to stop. To shut your face. To give them the option of coming back in the future instead of leaving them waiting to get away from you as fast as possible. To encourage them to come back and use their gym membership as a regular customer instead of making them feel like their hundred and fifty bucks monthly is a waste of time because the customer definitely does not have the will nor the determination (forget about the choice I'm not going to get to that even) to work out and exercise according their own program, pace and needs.

Look, its not like i am tipping the scales and bordering on obesity, or having numerous medical issues. I wanted to join a gym to get out of my sluggish lifestyle. Is that so hard to digest. And what is with the immediate assumption that every woman exercises for the sole reason of loosing weight and some day looking like an insect. And what's with the immediate judgement when i say i do not exercise a regulated diet program. I relish in being able to eat rice, I've loved potatoes all my life, the twists and twirls of pasta intrigue me, and i simply enjoy the feel of spreading jam, nuttella, peanut butter and margarine on bread. If you haven't noticed the commonality among all the above mentioned its carbohydrates. What a wonderful feeling it is when they caress your palate!

Sure i wouldn't mind shedding a few pounds, but i don't want it done on a sergeants drill. So really, when i say i have other priorities in life and better ideas on what to do with my money, don't try and make me feel like I'm making a mistake. And don't think you're doing me a favour when you casually mention i should reduce caffeine in my diet as well. If i told you about my regular beer diet would you then jump off a cliff already? Mmmmm??

On a lighter note, i am bent more then ever now to prove to him that someone can be happy and loose weight and feel healthy without the additional expensive services. Leave me to enjoy the gym for goodness sake. I didn't sign up for body fat boot camp nor do i have a bikini competition lined up anywhere in my near future.

Hmph.

070206

2006-02-06T08:58:00.000-08:00

He who’s eyes light up at Buzz Lightyear and the Transformers. He who hates the spinning teacups. He who loves to eat at Pandis. He who finds it extremely difficult to compliment his meals with vegetables. He who loves Star Wars and Stargate. He who loves to spend his nights in front of the idiot box with a bowl full of murukku. He who loves Coke and regularly stocks a bottle of ice lemon tea. He who cooks at whim. He who cleans the whole kitchen and stove whenever he cooks. He who was once a neat freak, but dropped his guards a little bit with the entrance of an evil and lazy influence. He who sleeps till 3 in the afternoon on weekends. He who speaks in a foreign language in his sleep. He who sleeps in a curled position. He who wouldn’t be caught dead in wholesale stores, unless its for groceries. He who caresses his skin with Armani, Kenneth Cole and Versace. He who’s favourite brand is Adidas. He who spent shitloads on a pair of Oakleys but totally does them justice. He who called me every other day from the States. He who bought me lovely clothing. He who has a quick temper and short fuse but at the same time, he who would give people 101 chances with hopes of changing their negative ways. He who would continuously get disappointed if it means saving someone else’s feelings. He who hates chatting on the Internet. He who came online every night when we first met because he knew I would be online. He who loves hip hop and rap but at the same time calls Fleetwood Mac as his favourite band. He who enjoys his Jim Beam and Coke. He who enjoys hosting barbeques and mixing up cocktails. He who can’t stand the sight of someone puking as it makes him feel like throwing up too. He who enjoys a few shakes on the dance floor. He who gets really quiet when he’s tipsy. He who’s sense of humour is infectious. He who gets sensitive when I crack jokes about him. He who loves white man food. He who recently discovered grilled stingray. He who lights up. He who hates wearing any form of accessories. He who needs to put on weight cos I’m afraid of rolling over him some time in the future and squashing him to smittherines! He who loves big dogs which I will someday name Tiny. He who takes hours to shit, shower and shave. He who makes up funny pet names for me. He who makes up funny songs.

He who I could go on and on and on about but I might bore you to death. He who just checked off another special day spent away from me. He who turned my world around. He who just turned another year older. Happy birthday you.

We are fa-mi-ree

2006-02-02T06:28:00.000-08:00

Saying most of my family have migrated would be somewhat of an understatement. My relatives are spread out all across the globe. If u had wet fingers and sprinkled on a map i bet half the droplets would land on places i have family - right from Victoria Peak in Hong Kong to Thrichur in India.

So it would be safe to say that i don't really know most of my cousins. The ones we were super bonded with moved to Canada 12 years ago, and now its odd getting past five sentences. The only three i still manage to stay on the same wavelength with are getting increasingly involved in their careers and one is about to take off to Aussieland in a week.

So i was somewhat resigning myself to thinking that i've lost my chances to building a relationship with these people. If i couldnt even maintain one with the cousins i started out being close to, what are the odds of sharing a beer and sneaking mischeif with the ones that have lived a plane ride away from us all their lives, and visit once a year.

I was pleasently proved wrong today. What started out with the mammoth task (only to me because having slept at 5 am everything just moved slower then usual) of having to throw together a sudden lunch for my uncle and his family from Burnei taught me not to judge or assume.I've noticed in the past couple of outings, that maybe change is something i can look forward to. I have to admit i played a very minimal role in actually trying to get the ball rolling, and i have to give all credit to my cousins for stepping up like there wasnt that lost 20 years in between. It did feel a little awkward at the beginning, and i did think the last time i saw them that the next time we meet we would have to start over all once again. But today, things just seemed to fall in place right. And what is more pleasing, is that we moved beyond just cathing up on each other lives and exhanging pleasentries today. Today we deliberated on each others future plans, we shared past expereinces (what little mutual ones that exist, thankfully are all good ones), we opened up with family secrets, we dropped our guards and genuinely made an impact on each other.

And when it was time to say goodbye and plan the next meeting, the whole aura of having to try hard, or maybe even pretention to an extent, was clearly gone. The next time we meet up, we can skip the catching up and politeness and move straight to pissing on each other.

rpm

2006-01-25T22:14:00.000-08:00

It supposedly burns at least 500 calories even when done with minimum resistance. Yesterday i went for my second class. Its basically a stationary bicycle and you cycle non stop with some ups and downs and ups and downs for an hour. It leaves you sweating like a maniac, your t-shirt smelling like half dried and sticky, and a very very painful butt.

Did i mention your ass aches like you've had two rods poking into your butt cheeks?

The only reason i will keep going back is because it supposedly burns 500 calories even when done with minimum resistance. All through the hour i stare at this Caucasian chick with the perfect body in front of me as motivation. She somehow manages to cycle without a break, her legs move so fast it looks like the stuff you see in cartoons, I am reminded of the Road Runner and at the end of the hour she looks like she hadn't broken a sweat at all. Right down to meticulously applied Goth eyeliner still in place. And she has all these little, seriously little cute matching matching gym outfits you wonder if she just stpped out of a sports wear ad. So anyway, i digress.

I have no idea what the instructor (who comes complete in pro cyclers gear and all) is saying, he speaks in some foreign accent that is further blurred with the mike. But i watch him intensely and follow the routine religiously - anxiously waiting for ~~the class to end~~ the times we stand up and cycle cos my ass would have felt like the seat is cutting right through it by then. Then i try to psyche myself up, tell myself how i have to shed 10 pounds by year end so i can go to Canada for Christmas and wear all the poser clothes i missed out on in Hong Kong. Also so i can go to Canada and chow down all that yummy white man food and consciously put on weight. Also so i can go to the post summer sales and buy lovely clothes that will fit me. Heh. Again, i digress

Thank god though, the class doesn't play techno feng tau jinjang music. The dude actually has a pretty good selection of songs to keep you at it. Mostly alternative stuff, a little quick beat jazz, a little remixes here and there. I try to use the songs as yardsticks before quitting - not cos I'm too tired to keep going but cos my butt is aching. Aching. Aching. Aching. You'd be amazed at how many ways one can come up with when trying to ease a painful butt while sitting on a bicycle.

But i will keep going. Because it supposedly burns at least 500 calories even when done with minimum resistance.

Words

2006-01-24T00:01:00.000-08:00

Sometimes being brutally honest with the people you love most can be the toughest thing of all. Harder then having to stay awake and chirpy at work all day.

I had a real heart to heart conversation with the most important person to me a couple of nights ago and it still plagues me. I can remember every thing said, every reaction taken, every uncomfortable body action, every time i tried to avoid eye contact - and every expression i got in response. I keep playing it in my mind in constant repeat mode, and every time have an extra doubt on whether i should have been that honest or not. I can't help but wonder if i had upset my fellow conversationalist more then it would have been, if i chose to just keep my feelings and thoughts to myself. I keep recounting all the possible ways i could have rephrased or chosen better more appropriate words to avoid upsetting or hurting the other party.

- I hope you understand that i didnt express all this earlier because i didnt want to upset you with my perceptions. I saw that you were happy and figured there was no reason to spoil that for you. I know i have stubborn thoughts and actions, and chose not to share them with you for selfish reason - because I thought you deserved better, because I know what a lame water dispenser i can be at emo moments - and also because, I just want you to be happy. I hope you know that i miss your company very much and your friends miss their pal even more -

There, I know the person this is targeted at would probably never read this, but now if i ever had to explain why i said what i said the other night, and stumbled on my words again i could launch this page and it wouldnt be overflowing with erms and uhms.

As broke as a porcelein vase..

2006-01-18T23:32:00.000-08:00

Is what i am

Thanks to impulse decisions and mostly indulging in nasrcisstic pleasures all of last month and this i find myself scrimping and stinging and looking forward to the next paycheque like never before.

I am not liking this feeling.. like seriously.

Boo hoo.

Tum tum di tum

2006-01-15T20:25:00.000-08:00

Weddings used to be all about getting dressed in uncomfortable outfits, tagging behind the parents, watching a ceremony which would seem incredibly long then going around listening to how big i've become or how much i look like my mom.

All that changed now that i'm attending weddings of my own friends. Yesterdays wedding showcased all of us - we each had our parts to play and we just partied harder at night. I learnt that even if you have a system, a printed floor plan, numbered tables and ushers telling you where to go, seating arrangements will never turn out as planned.

I wonder how this presentation with baby pictures of the couple started. Whats the significance of having right from sacharin sweet baby shots to embarassing pre puberty shots then breaking out into current day, then repeating the process for the respective other. I dont know, it just seems like a lot of work for something unrelated to the wedding process. But then, alot would argue that booze is unrelated to the matrimonial process as well but thats simply essential now isnt it! As far as entertainment value goes it does rank high,the presentation i mean, not the post booze kind - i suppose guests would get a kick out of the days when the groom was struggling with a fashion sense or at the bride as a baby lying on her tummy naked (neither of these shots appeared yesterday i'm just speaking generally). Gosh, if i do end up having one of those it will be purely out of family preassure - i can see people keeling in laughter already at the mop of curls which was my childhood hairstyle and the rolly polly dumpling i was in almost everything i wore. Then i will hope my significant other has more embarassing shots to difuse the attention on me. Only during the presentation of course, any other time of my wedding ALL ATTENTION MUST BE FOCUSED ON ME! ME! ME! I TELL YOU ME! NOBODY IS STEALING MY THUNDER!

*pant pant*

But there is a long time more to worry about all that. For now, i shall enjoy my friend's weddings and wish them the best in this instituition they call marriage and lots of children. Heh.

It seems like the month of impulse decisions.

2006-01-10T20:15:00.000-08:00

On Sunday, i joined a gym. One of the widely advertised ones in a premium location with fancy taglines. The kinds i used to swear myself against. I have become, as Disco so eloquently put it, yuppie scum. As my early morning wardrobe selection is progresively smaller, limited to clothes that do not involve front buttons, zips or anything figure hugging i started to worry that if i dont do anything about this increase weight gain and extreme unhealthy lifestyle in six months i'm not going to look twice bigger then Aji as i am now, but three folds bigger. And nobody likes the fear of accidently rolling over ones boyfriend and squashing him to pancakes.

So yea, i have a plan now. ~~As i have had since i was 16.~~ I'm going to first work on the cardio and stamina. Occasionally drop by the fun classes like salsa and hip hop - the kind where i'm conned into excercising but am actually having fun. Then slowly advance to the weight machines. Coupled with the fact that i dont actually know how to use them i'm actually a little afriad of starting on the weights for the want of echoing this friends sentiments. So i'm not pushing for my two free sessions with the personal trainer just yet. I've seen how they make the people workout and they are mean. Run! Run! Dont stop! Run!

Was people watching in the gym yesterday and i noticed that its the ones who already have excellent bodies that are going at it like their lives depended on how long they ran or how much the lifted. They come in their cute gym outfits and they attack the machines ferociously. One lady was running on the threadmill so fast and for so long at one consistent speed - no breaks, like she had this invisible something she was running towards. Maybe i should do that too, envision ~~Brad Pitt~~ a Big Mac and run towards it.

Seeing red

2006-01-04T07:40:00.000-08:00

I did something on impulse just one day after bringing the new year in.

I cut my hair real short and i highlighted it - in red.

I loved the style it was cut in, and was feeling really light and funky, and i think the hair stylist noticed. Cause right then he started his sales gig on how the style would look so much better if it had some color in it. And i fell for it. The minute the towel came off though i did a Culkin from Home Alone. Man, i hope its not a sign of all my decisions for the coming year.

But i got accustomed to having a bright flash of red everytime i walked past the mirror. And slowly, as the day came to an end, i wasnt so terrified anymore. I think it was actually starting to grow on me. I felt much younger, and full of energy, not only did i look like a character from X-men, i felt like i could really save the world!!!
I sorted through the wardrobe and picked out the really snazzy stuff for work to go with the hairdo. It was really starting to feel like me. I was convinced that i could keep the style, and hey even not feel embarassed with the extreme redness of the highlights (which were supposed to be dark red by the way, never believe the colors on the samples!). It may take tubs of gel in the future to keep the gazzillion layers it is now in place, but whats a morning without a challenge eh.

But then...

Yesterday i washed my hair, and the shampoo bubbles came flowing down my face and hands in red!!! The more i washed, the more streams of red water cascaded down my face. Goddamnit.
Part of me was a teeny tiny thankful that it wouldnt look like a 'what the hell where you thinking?" hairstyle anymore, but the other part of me felt a little.. robbed.

Not only did I pay quite a sum to get the damn highlights, i also spent a good amount of the day psyching myself up to live with the damned color! I was ready to be cool, and funky, and hip and all that jazz. I felt conned of the oppertunity to be a wannabe and walk around in my shades and thick eyelined eyes (for when the shades are removed of cos), and weirdly matched but somehow managed to come together outfits. I felt ripped of the possibility of finally living the life of the crazed FCM student i used to look from afar and marvel at for having the guts to walk around looking/dressed/speaking like ~~an ass~~ that when i was in uni. I felt cheated of people in the office seeing a not so boring new Annu.

To top it off, after the wash the hair has become really dry, and its so brittle it breaks off even if i run my fingers through it. This is why i never wanted to dye my hair. I have seen this happen to other people and be thankful its not me too many times to have actually paid money for it! In case you're wondering i'm feeling a little regretful and very silly. Especially when it was all dry and hay like looking today at the office and i could just see it in the faces of my workmates, how they tried too hard to practice the expression 'if you dont have anything nice to say, dont say anything at all'

The upside is, the color is actually presentable now and it looks really good when its all gelled up, quite stylo mylo.

Hong Kong photos, in no particular chronological order

2006-01-01T09:13:00.000-08:00

Hong Kong December 2005

2005-12-31T09:22:00.000-08:00

It came and it went with a snap of the finger. I could almost hear the whoosh go by in my years. And no i'm not refering to the past year, i'm refering to what may be my last holiday till some time to come.

Hong Kong was super. I've been home for three days now and i still regurlarly float back and forth to certain bits of the past week there. Like i reverse play on this movie in my head. Having gone during winter was one of the best decisions. Nevermind that i froze my arse off, and walked around completely wrapped up in layers. At first i felt a little self concious, Hong Kong is brimming with the fashion trendy and vogue and there i was looking like a potato sack - but after awhile it made more sense just to stay warm. The streets were enveloped in wonderful christmas decorations and lights filled the night sky. It was exactly like what you see on the idiot box. We had a terrific bunch of individuals who graciously gave up their time to take us around and do all the ridiculous tourist-ish stuff and that just made the trip even more memorable. The workshop too went on smoothly. Of course, more people were keen on meeting and listening to me because i was Logan's sister, and as much as i tried to break away from that it was that relation that they remembered most. I must admit though, it is a social headway.

Disneyland was magical!! We paid an exorbitant fee because it was christmas season but i tell you it was well worth it. I did, really feel like a child again. Watching the parade i felt like i was in the cartoons, i could suddenly remember the scenes, the costumes, the themes. There was a certain thrill to riding Cinderella's carousel (that carousels are for children is a bloody myth) and a certain regalness to dining in the Beast's dining hall (from Beauty and the Beast). The whole place is replicated exactly like its in the cartoons, and the only thing i was missing was the costumes. And we saw Buzz Lightyear!! Whoa.. And the Disney parade.. the parade.. if the one in Hong Kong itself can get me so tuned up i wonder what the US Disneyland will do to me!

I didnt enjoy the food so much, i think i prefer the chinese food thats been tempered with and localised to suit the Malaysian tougue. I found the authentic chinese food we got there a little bland, and well.. sweet. But the dimsum was heavenly.

Pictures will come soon, i promise, i have over 500 of em

Its going to be a very merry honky Christmas!

2005-12-19T23:54:00.000-08:00

Its finally here

After all the hair pulling, screaming, finger nail biting, creative accounting and endless hours of information surfing - I leave for Hong Kong tomorrow!

I have a string of las minute things lined up to do (still!) and am itching to get going. Times like this when i wished i listened to the mother and not procrastinate.

Will be having my first Christmas with now family. I know Christmas in South Africa was away from KL too but least then i had the brother, so some family ties were maintained. Plus then i had the voices gang with me, who at that time were like family (still are still are). Judging by how we used to do almost everything together - breakfast, lunch, tea, dinner, supper - I saw that bunch more then my actually family. This will be the first time ever with zip family, but thank goodness for Aji. I guess, its kinda like new family huh.

Anyway, I will try to update this lil corner from HK whenever i can to indulge you all, yes even if there may be just three (yes you, you and of cos you). In the meantime, Merry Christmas and have a smashing new year!!

Bravo to us

2005-12-16T01:14:00.000-08:00

Today marks two and a half years. Not to brag, but i think its pretty darn good for a couple who haven't had the simple luxury of being in the same location together for more then 10 days in a stretch.

In your face all you sceptics who told us long distance never lasts.

In. Your. Face.

Tiss the season to be jorry - fa ra ra ra ra, ra ra ra ra

2005-12-15T02:57:00.000-08:00

What with the season of giving and sharing being around the corner and all.

I have got my Chirstmas list almost done. This year however, the element of surprise is practically removed from the whole gift unwrapping process. I'm getting my family things they need more then things they want. My mom is getting a new mobile phone from her children, she knows and she's also getting the joy of picking which model she fancies ( we are trying to keep her withing our budget thought..hmph). My dad, got shoes, how much more practical can it get. He already has them cos he had to try the size and all that jazz. My brother, is getting a dvd burner. He says he needs it, though most people would claim it a want more then a need. As long as it makes him happy. So, there may not be many actions of ripping through pretty patterned christmas wrapping, but at least everyone will be over flowing in joy.

I've also recently got hooked on a different kind of shopping - online shopping. Airasia tickets particularly. It all started with the darn 2 million tickets going for free craze, and i thought it would be good if i could snag tickets to Langkawi, for the Asians weekend, when i go visit and get my fair share of duty free sin. But it was madness just trying to get through the darn site and it became like an obsession. I had to get in and had to get the darn tickets. Every one around me in the office was hooked. I finally got it yesterday. And one would think that i'd be satisfied and move on with life right? No, now i want more - and more and more.

So as i revisit Annie Lennox, i shall try again.

If the karma gods get their way..i'm screwed

2005-12-08T06:57:00.000-08:00

I really really think i need to work on my social skills with the aged. Because i beleive in karma, and with my impatience with my grandmothers now, i will be doomed to face an old age of loneliness, rudeness and who knows, maybe even abandoned!

My other grandmother had a small accident a couple of weeks back and broke her wrist. She's had it in a cast for the past two weeks and is increasingly uncomfortable about not being able to use her left hand. She's 86. She doesnt understand the need for the POP cast. She doesnt understand that her bones are weak and brittle, thats how she can break her wrist even though she was just getting out of bed. She doesnt understand that even her body weight is too much for her bones to handle now. She doesnt understand why its been a few weeks and its still hurting.
And how many times have i visited her in this past two weeks? Twice. She lives a mere 5 minute drive away and 20 minute walk away from my house. My mom tries to coax me to go, (she visits the MIL more regularly then my dad does) but i usually decline, till guilt envelopes me. I dont go because she complains and complains, because she's (i think) going senile and repeats the same things over and over again, because every time i'm there i have to hear how my deceased grandfather is calling her, and also because sometimes she pisses on the 'modern' clothes i wear. But the point is, i just dont have to patience to entertain her, so i keep it to weekly visits and always go with someone else sto its regulated and i dont blow up and say something i'd regret.

My granny, who broke her hip a few months ago is still staying with me. Aside from needing the assistance of a walking stick, the rest of her is pretty much back to her normal self. Which also means she's back to being hard headed and somewhat demanding, wanting to go back to her old ways, which she cant and finds hard to accept. With her also, i limit conversation. I usually have idle chit chat with her when i come home from work just before she goes to bed. That also assuming i've had a good day at the office. If she tries to make conversation with me under one of those scenarios, she'd get short crisp replies. Then when she goes to bed i'd feel bad. Plus she almost always without realising will catch me at a bad time, and i would have some smart ass retort. I always feel bad after.

I swear, now i'll only feel bad. But the real hurt will come one day in the future, when my own grandchildren treat me like i'm just another person who lives in the house. Or like its ok to come over once a week, have tea and go back home.

Change la CHANGE!! Must.. change..

Rawkin'

2005-12-05T20:49:00.000-08:00

My new hero, she totally rocks!

Whooshed by

2005-11-27T01:26:00.000-08:00

I traveled alone by flight for the first time on Saturday night. Yes i know most people would have probably done this even before they hit puberty, but i'm a late bloomer. I was excessively paranoid about being late, and wanted to be at the airport 2 hours before even though it was only SIN-KUL. So we reached way before time, and walked in relatively calm - till i saw the big signboard display that my flight had been retimed. To an hour and half later. Then i started worrying that i will be back too late instead.

Thankfully, the kind folks at Changi had a back up plan. There was another flight they could put me on which left earlier - 40 minutes from when i was speaking to them. Drangit, now i was concerned that i was robbed of the 2 hours i wanted to spend with Aji (and just Aji) before having to take off. But i decided to take it anyway, it was the more sensible thing to do. So i was checked into the SIA flight instead of the MAS i was booked on, some people would say it was a bump up or upgrade, i want to be nationalistic and say NO WAY! But then on the flight, i was offered apple, orange, guava, coffee or tea as apposed to the orange or mango that i got on my departing flight and was won over instantly. Yes, food is a deciding factor in many of my issues.

So we grabbed a quick value meal take away and rushed for my gate, which the stewerdess had forwarned me was far away and i'd have quite a walk. But i wanted to steal as many last minutes i could with the boy so we sat and shared the meal right outside before i said my goodbyes. Then i rudely discovered that far away, was indeed very very far away. So there i was, cursing myself for having packed my flat shoes and worn the three inch heels, running on the walkalators, pushing through folks with their carts, staring at my watch every 30 seconds, dragging along my huge backpack and my laptop,my handbag and my passport with ticket gripped tightly in my left palm. After 15 minutes of running which seemed like much much longer, i finally reached F37. got myself frisked thank to the watch i think. picked up a Herald Tribune and settled myself quite comfortably.

It's been a year of first timers for me isnt it.. tee hee..

It was a very filled four days, but for now, back to the regular scheduled programmes.

Quee Sara Sara..?

2005-11-25T01:04:00.000-08:00

I think.. i've had a small preview of what life would be like if i was indeed working here in Singapore. I've been working from the office in Singapore for the major part of this week. Heck, this come live from Changi Business Park. The hours i'm at work, seem pretty much the same. How different can sitting in front of a laptop be regardless of what your location is right. But its everything before and after that which seems so different. As great as it is to have time with Aji, its just different in a way, that i think i'll take a while getting used to.

I think what i miss the most is the noise and constant activity around me. Its just me and Aji here. At home, when i wake up in the mornings, my moms radio would be blasting from the kitchen, she would be up doing something and my dad would be around. Usually he's about to leave for work as i wake up, but its still one extra face who greets me. There would be breakfast, or nagging me to have breakfast. Asking me questions about this that and evrything. When i come home, sometimes someone would greet me at the gate with a big smile, there will be dinner ready on the table, the whole family perched in front of the tv, the whole house will be lit up and there's just constant noise left right and centre. Asking me questions about this that and everything. Its so different when its just me and Aji.

Wouldn't it be wonderful if i could have all that and Aji just joins the big picture. No need to relocate. To pack up my life and start over. He could be like the last fitting in my big jigsaw puzzle of life. The final touch up to the huge masterpiece i've been painting. The carefully picked garnishing to the elaborate dish called the future. The finishing tune up before the big concert.

I always get a little malancholy when i think about this. What is going to happen in the future? Where will we end up spending our lives when we are finally together? How much will i have to give up? If i insist on having all i have now, how much will he have to give up? And worst of all, who are the people going to get hurt in this whole process...

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***

The commute to and fro work in KL is a much bigger enjoyment then what goes on here. I think i've just become spoilt since i got my car. I hate taking cabs, busses and mrts. I miss my car..

Planning Schmlanning

2005-11-20T01:37:00.000-08:00

A million things running through my mind catching their multicolored post its along the way

Visited a karaoke joint a few days back - with the colleagues. For those of you who know me well you will know what my general sentiments on that activity is. To stay as far away as possible. I've been karaoke-ing a grand total of two times in my life before this and the experiences still haunt me. But i joined in for the want of not coming across as a spoilt sport. After all, it depends on the company you go with right? Right? So as hard as i tried to foil the plans, thanks to the gung ho-ness of my colleagues we found our selves in the little room for a good five hours, belting away tunes from generations before, current and well, the never heard of? From not wanting to go at all, i eventualy found myself gripping on to my own mic, croaking away to all sorts of hits. We're talking NKOTB, had to do the classic All By Myself, put on a diva show with continous Whitney Houstan hits, attempted a few rock numbers - Zombie was wild complete with jumping in heels and all!, and even had a duet on the popular Kuch Kuch Hota Hai theme song. Shame.. what shame? Was good fun. Hi, my name is Annu and i'm a converted karaoke hater. Till the next session!

A colleague tried his hand at Sister Golden Hair. And it transported me back to the time i took the spontanues trip down to Skudai with Robyn. Still a little shy then, i sat quietly in the corner as he and his housemates jammed the night away. One guy sang that song as he played the guitar - left hander playing the guitar with his right hand, totally sexy. And i guess he must have sang it pretty well too, considering that i still remember. Either that or we were all just stoned. But for a few minutes I was 2 or 3 years in reverse, and i was smiling to myself like a donkey. They tried they're very best to make me feel comfortable and i tried my very best not to come across as a lame ass. They succeeded, dont know about my end. But anyway, i left with a few new songs to download, a few new sets of clothes (thats how spontanous it was), my motorbike ride craving pacified for awhile, a very fun time and a teeny crush on one of the blokes. Haha.. if only he knew..

I really should do more spontanous stuff like that, more often then not they turn out to be the most memorable.

Another one bites the dust

2005-11-15T06:03:00.000-08:00

Some time back somebody told me that you can judge how likeable you were while schooling based on how many of your university mates take the trouble to come for your wedding years after you've graduated.

If that saying goes, Kosie was loved beyond means. As her wedding celebration would have been proof. Scratch that, Kosie is loved beyond means. Saying the wedding was massive would be an understatement. It felt like a whole town was there. We got there about 15 minutes late and the hall was jam packed already. Senoirs juniors. Young old. Near far. Minus the blokes in the States and the Philippines the rest of the gang was there. The trend that the whole bunch only get together at weddings is starting to form. The 'who's next' question resonates throughout everyone's thoughts. One brave, or silly depends on how you look at it, soul would finally inquire out loud and the guessing game begins. With everybody denying vehemently when presented as a possible answer.

Ahh what fun. Kosie leaves for two years in Shanghai to be with the husband who's on assignment there. Who knows could fill in that 'whos' next' spot in that time frame. I wish her and the hubby all the best in their newly found instituition and managing that in a foreign land at that. Could be a highly exciting prospect or a highly intimidating and scary adventure. Either way, with her sunshine-like desposition, she'll be fine anywhere she is.

And the Ford Ranger as the wedding car totally rocked..

Mesa weekend

2005-11-11T01:55:00.000-08:00

The boy is coming to town for the weekend~!

And its all planned out.
The dude will have to sit through a day of debates with me and the Voices bunch, then hopefully we'll have a night to revisit the wonders of Evol Ribena and Vitajing.

Shall drag him to my friends wedding on Sunday morning and flaunt him to my other friends, then leave him to deal with my fathers bouts of denial. Heh.

Then we'll either go home and have that whole talk on how we'll win over each others parents and have that magnificent cross cultural wedding or roam the wonderful but congested streets of Kuala Lumpur.

No more arguing, i have told myself and i will keep to. The little bit i get to have with him is priviledged time and we will not spoil it!

Mesa weekend just gets that tad bit more glow when its with the dude.

What irony

2005-11-09T20:50:00.000-08:00

I think this whole 'together forever' bit actually causes more trouble then it should peace. Its so easy to take people for granted because you think that we've pledged our love and we'll be there with each other no matter what.

But thats just the thing isnt it. Taking for granted the fact the other person will be around forever just leads us to say and do things without stopping to think what the consequences may be. I mean because, after all, we have said that we will be together no matter what through thick and thin. It just makes people so bent on proving points or making stands that the part where the other gets hurt in the process is overlooked. To a point where any form of discussion that could have solved whatever issue it was in the first place almost always turns into an arguement. A vicious cycle to continue proving points and get defensive. And more often then not, the actual reason you started fighting in first place in forgotten because so many more issues crop up from there.

And i'm increasingly uncomfortable with this whole idea on how if things get better we should just let it be and move along. It troubles me. I may smile and move back to the usual routine, but that doesnt mean the problems gone away. Its just sitting patiently in its comfortable corner, waiting for something to come along and trigger it off again. I cannot, i try, but i cannot just go along. I cannot pretend like nothing is wrong if i'm upset with you and talk about other more superficial thing. I need my 'mourning time', time to dwell it in and release what ever tension was built.

I know i'm probably at fault for some of the fighting. But for the first time in two and a half years of fighting and squabbling and crying and screaming - i'm just too tired. I think i've exhausted my ability to want to explain. And i've never felt so guilty as i feel now. Guilt is just like overflowing, like enveloped in it. Like everywhere.