Words

Sometimes being brutally honest with the people you love most can be the toughest thing of all. Harder then having to stay awake and chirpy at work all day.

I had a real heart to heart conversation with the most important person to me a couple of nights ago and it still plagues me. I can remember every thing said, every reaction taken, every uncomfortable body action, every time i tried to avoid eye contact - and every expression i got in response. I keep playing it in my mind in constant repeat mode, and every time have an extra doubt on whether i should have been that honest or not. I can't help but wonder if i had upset my fellow conversationalist more then it would have been, if i chose to just keep my feelings and thoughts to myself. I keep recounting all the possible ways i could have rephrased or chosen better more appropriate words to avoid upsetting or hurting the other party.

- I hope you understand that i didnt express all this earlier because i didnt want to upset you with my perceptions. I saw that you were happy and figured there was no reason to spoil that for you. I know i have stubborn thoughts and actions, and chose not to share them with you for selfish reason - because I thought you deserved better, because I know what a lame water dispenser i can be at emo moments - and also because, I just want you to be happy. I hope you know that i miss your company very much and your friends miss their pal even more -

There, I know the person this is targeted at would probably never read this, but now if i ever had to explain why i said what i said the other night, and stumbled on my words again i could launch this page and it wouldnt be overflowing with erms and uhms.