I guess its time I came out of hiding.

And say it out loud. The marriage is not happening anymore and it’s something I will take with me for the rest of my life. Though how the relationship ended saddens me, I’m comforted knowing that love was still present between us when it ended.

Sadly, this is not the movies and love doesn’t conquer all.

I am not brave or strong, I am just a good actress. I am living that story you watch in the movies and you say this never happens in real life. And then it happens to me, and I wish it had a fairy tale ending too.

I appreciate everyone’s kind words and support, I wish I didn’t walk around like I am numb to everything going on. I wish I could wear my heart on my sleeve again.

I finally packed away the wedding things, without shedding tears, but my heart never felt so heavy before.
I don’t have to stop the car and cry alone anymore, because I’m telling myself to look at the good times we’ve had, and I try to smile at those memories.
I don’t have to stay away from home because I fear being alone.
I can read his text messages and wonder how it would be if responses had been different without getting angry.
I will not remove his pictures from my office table, because I do not have to yet.
I will not give his shirt back to him, because it still has his smell on it, and no matter what has happened between us, I want to remember that.
The ring stares at me every morning as I get dressed, and it will serve as a reminder to where the road less traveled by will eventually take me.
I don’t know where I am going or what I am going to do, I don’t know if I really know what not being Aji’s girlfriend anymore really feels like even.
I will not pick up my wedding dress until I really really can, because not being able to wear that dress ever signifies the finality of all this.

I hate when people ask me how I am doing, because I honestly don’t know how to answer that question. I can pretend to smile, to laugh, to talk a lot.. I hide behind ‘dealing with this and wanting to move on’. I don’t know how to act when you lose love.. because no matter how difficult it was, you can’t pretend to love.