Needs some oil-ing

I am quite penat

I havent felt this kind of being tired in a long while. Not the tired where you've just finished a few hours of strenous activity and look forward to a shower and the bed. I feel this sudden body breakdown from 2 - 3 weeks of non stop action. Not the fun romantic kind may i add.

Oddly enough, its also not the action where my body is going through vigorous training or something. Most of the hours are spent in constant sit down neck craning fingers on type pad position. Where the times i'm walking - which has lately been restricted to from a building to the car, from the car to a building - i feel the sudden urge to go to an abandoned field and run my guts out, you know, through the daffodils and summer sun kind.

Actually whats really getting to me is i feel drained mentally and emotionally as well. These two weeks have seen an overload on periodic surges of worry, and thinking and trying to decide my years to come. I tell you the mental and emotional penat-ness is worse then the physical penat-ness. At least when its just my muscles aching i can dive into sulmber and wake up refreshed. With the mind racing, the minute i am awake it starts its rollercoaster again.

Some one told me i am becoming more and more of a yuppie. Please, yuppies spend on nonsensicle (sp?) gadgets and outings and i am still quite kiam siap in that area. Their justification is because i dress and visit eateries that are labeled with yuppiness -- and i speak like one. How in the world does someone speak like a yuppie? Bitterly? Or arrogantly? Or when they talk about their work all the time? I dont think i fall into any of those three categories, god forbid. I dress the way i do and go to places i do because i spend more and more hours at work now, and either i eat with workmates - where people bump into me or i meet up with friends straight from the office and am not big on changing clothes in the car.

I got my AMEX corporate card yesterday which sprung me back to the time when i was trying to cook up a cool hotmail id for myself. You know the time when everyone had funky nicks and nobody used their own names. Its supposed to subconciously say alot about the kind of people we are, the nicks we choose to identify ourself. Anyway i digress. So when i was chatting and asking for opinions, an ex boyfriend suggestion americanexpress@hotmail cos he saw the potential in me to swipe the plactic at any opportunity i got. Seeing at how i have managed to refrain from getting myself a credit card up til now, maybe there was some truth in that. Oh who am i kidding, i would be swipping at every shoe sale in town!

But, just for shoes, because they make the penat-ness go away.

Top 3 things i learnt this weekend

I have a serious decreasing tolerence for daftness,stupidity, blatant showcasing of ignorance. Point of realization was Friday night when two chickas we're spewing nonsence from their mouths and were getting high on it. They truly believed they were intelligent -- i'm not saying i'm more then they are, but they proved it with the whole 'huh' look everytime me and NG tried to sway the topic to more stimulating material. Okay who am i kidding i am saying i'm more intelligent then they are. Heh!

I cannot stand people who use religion as immunity. No, making regular trips to the place of worship of your choice does not make you a good person unless and until you live like one. If your character does not translate to others as one of good values and one that is decent, to the very least -- embracing religion periodically is just your convenient way of self delusion. Don't for the love of anything even think about preaching to me.

I regret not travelling after i graduated. I jumped into working right away and now its difficult to do anything for more then 3 days. I love travelling. And i look at all the oppertunities for scholarships and visas that i could have tried for, but missed the chance to. Now, i have too many commitments to just pack up and go. Damnit.

ugh

I miss being able to leave work when the sun is still up..

No Annu, do not dramatize yet, more time must pass..

more.. time.. must.. pass..

UPDATE: Okay maybe i was dramatizing somewhat. Now that i have showered and filled my rumbling tummy it doesnt seem so ugh anymore. Maybe i just missed fighting with my mom for the idiot box, and need more sleep.

Oh happy day tomorrow..oh happy day.. can u sense that i am pshyching myself up?

The only constant variable.

Some times when things get too comfortable i'll start wondering what it's like if it changed. For some things, i can make a move on it before the situation becomes a rut -- but..

For some other things i think -- am i too comfortable with things to a point where i dont see that it needs change or worse still, do i simply deny the obvious glaring need for change...

because i am afraid i wont be able to handle it..

Do i keep reasoning with myself because i think if i debate it in my head and sort out as many possible ways it can work without having to talk about change then it will..

Do i comfort myself with saying that i have what most people don't thus i should be happy about it..

even though i cry myself to sleep alot...

Do i contradict these nagging feelings i have because there are changes happening with others, changes we have been looking forward too, changes which, idealy would be in our favour..

but what if these thoughts i have never go away.. i cant help but wonder if it will always cast its shadow on all the external happiness.

Then i question if i never talk about this and it happens, then am i allowed to say i knew this would happen or did i help it happen because i reasoned, comforted and contradicted.

Am i, refusing to acknowledge my fears because i don't want to hurt your feelings.. or is it because i am trying to spare my feelings, because i fear you will launch into defending the very things that are upseting me -- which would be doing exactly what the problem is -- the reason why so many things go unsaid.

But deep down inside, i am so scared that it will brew inside me to a point where i explode and it brings to the one form of change that will truly, truly change everything..

everything.

So Voices got a few more 'firsts' last night.

A broken nose, four stiches, chipped teeth and a mild concussion - on my brother and BabyG (I cant remember his real name for the life of me now!) respectively -- after they crashed into each other.

And all this before the alcohol was induced. For a bunch of university graduates, lesson learnt, no more trying to throw people into the pool.

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I'm quite happy i never dove into medicine, i hate the sight of blood. Yesterday i calmly waltzed over to the scene cause i figured they'd both just walk away with bumps on their heads. Then i saw BabyG writhing on the ground and a trail of blood on the beautiful tiled poolside, dripping from the laceration on my brother's broken nose. There's a saying in tamil which goes along the lines of 'hands and legs cannot use' -- yea that was me. I went on worry mode, over drive.

We took Logan to a clinic and they sent us to a hospital straight cause an xray was needed. I shift one gear up on worry mode. We reach ER (which was actually quite slow, but i have to say being a private hospital he was treated much quicker then a government hospital would have) and the nurse cleans up the mess and i erm, take pictures of his swollen nose with my phone. Then we see the doc and he starts shooting all these words -- drastic, hematoma, stitches -- and i shift another gear up worry mode. But all ended well and we trotted back cracking jokes and continued the party.

Here's another reason why he is a true champion. He took all that like well, a true champion, laughing and joking and calming us, the people around him who were freaking out. And his top priority after he came out of the OT was to check on BabyG who was at the clinic. If i had a broken nose and stitches i would have been hunched in a corner crying and wallowing in my sorry fate, inflicting more self pity then required and cursing at my circumstances.

Both patients seem to be recovering well. Though i wonder what happened to the enormous bill that was much hoo-haad about at BabyG's end..

Drama drama..

So much for living in a nice friendly neighbourhood

Some arseholes broke into my brother's car.

They smashed the window and took his CD player everything - even the football. Must have messed with the alarm as well, since we didnt hear anything.

Cursed be them who did it.

I hope their arms rot and fall off. Just before they meet a painful end.

Made the move - did not want to jinx

So I put my John Hancock on the dotted lines a few weeks back and officially started the new position yesterday. NO I didnt quit my current company and run to another. I'm just switching roles. Still in the same company just got an, well, i guess i'll call it an upgrade.

The first two days haven't been much to shout about, but from all the sneers and sly warnings the rest of the team give me, i bet i'm going to be hitting the ground running. And the grapevines say that this is not one i want to be complacent or mess around with. I'm hoping that at the end of the day i find reason to all the extra work load i will be facing, reason more then just having a happier wallet. Yea, i figured i'm getting old and should start building a career path right about now, and this is a line i can see myself in for.. for quite some time at least. You know, self growth and development, making a future for yourself and all that things they tell you one must do to be happy and successfull and be able to own all material goodness in life.

I'm just going to try and pay my study loan religiously from now on, lets start with baby steps eh.

On a lighter completely unrelated note, i cut my hair -- again.