Lil lil things to keep me from whingning all the time..

When my dad wakes up early and peels and cuts apples for me into small cubes for me to take to work and have for breakfast

When my mom starts suggesting me and Aji start investing in property..together..

When my brother comes home pudgier then when he left (pudgy is just a nice way of saying fat)

When theres someone on the other end of your msn chat everyday willing to have idle banter with you whenever you dont feel like doing work

When someone very dear to you finally finds someone who makes him walk with a bounce and constantly grin like a donkey

When my boyfriend gets jealous and possessive and tries not to show it

When my best friend sends me a card but does it in caution because she's afraid of unleashing the dragon in me, without realising that i wasnt that upset after all

When my pudgy neighbour's son stands at the gate buck naked and waves me goodbye every morning as i rush off to work, he's two years old so its still cute that his nude

When primary school friends remember my birthday without fail..every year..

When friends at work let me eat their food!

N-O NO!

I think i'm quite a human doormat

I gotta learn how to say no..to poeple other then Aji, my brother and my mom.

I dont like this feeling - knowing that people ask me to do things for them because the know i wont say no. Then whigning about why i let them do it.

Must learn to say no!

Different kinda cancer

I know now why confrontation is mostly sour. Its because people are just so bloody self absorbed. Its all about them. How they've been marginalised. How they are the victim. How in the arguement they were correct right from the very beginning. How its never their fault that things got to where it is now. Failing to understand the other party because its just all about them, isnt it.

Sigh..

Sometimes i wish people will just step off their high horses and try to look at the other pespective. More often then not the natural step to take would be to go on like nothing happened in the first place and be all buddy wuddy again. But then it eats inside you doesnt it. It breeds and becomes this ugly huge foul tumour that is just waiting to errupt the next time an argument comes along. After that, everything becomes petty and everything just moves down hill, speed bump after speed bump.

I am at this stage now where i dont want to pretend like all is a-okay, i just want to thrash the god damn thing out. I want to tell you that i'm still affected by your little show of emotions - how you made your point that your word rules the day. But i can see that to you it will make no sense. Because you saw my raw emotions here - and you responded with defense. Defense defense defense. Bring down that huge sheild and just try to read between the lines at least. Especially since i've come clean with my shortcomings. If you keep trying to point out my faults, you wont see yours. And then that tumour just grows.

Colorgenics

I took this for fun, the second time today. The first cos i was looking for a distraction from extreme amounts of work and today because i'm looking for a distraction from a certain craving i conciously avoid when at home. Quite surprised that i got the exact same results, seeing as how its supposed to be a mood thing and all. Also coz its well, somewhat close :) it said...

You want to be regarded as an exiting and interesting personality able to persuade others to comply with your beliefs and ideas. You are charming and able to influence other people who come into your sphere of influence. (sphere of influence, makes me sound like a Duchess or something, pheh!)

You like mental stimulation and you are the sort of person who is prepared to 'try anything once'. Your confidence is so much so that others are often swept away by your enthusiasm.

You are very orderly, methodical and self sufficient.(my mother would beg to differ, taking one look at my room). You demand and need the respect, recognition and understanding of all those who enter into your sphere on influence.

You are a dreamer and you seek perfection in any relationship that you may establish. Some of your ideas and standards are over the top so it may be a good idea to review your perception of life and accept people for what they are - not for what you would like them to be. (yea, i've had a hard lesson on this lately)

You are being unduly influenced by the situation that is all around you. You do not like the feeling of loneliness and whatever it is that seems to separate you from others. (so true, i cant even eat alone in a restaurant, my brother thinks it lame)

You know that life can be wonderful and you are anxious to experience life in all its aspects, to live it to the full. You therefore resent any restriction or limitations that are being imposed on you and you insist on going it alone. (okay not soooo true, i'm often found checking and double checking to see if the decisions i make are the right ones.)

You don't like conflict and you endeavor to avoid criticism.(like the plague!) You want to do your own thing and to be able to decide what is right for you.(yes i want to do my own thing but always need reassurance that thats the right thing,quite spineless in that sense, haha)

You have considerable personable charm - and this is used with considerable effect on those that keep your company. (then how come no one's been buying me dinners lately eh..ehhh..??)

Did not work, still craving. Bah!

Everything white, except the flag

I hate hospitals. I was always indifferent about them, but after a certain episode sometime back, i hate the damn places. And as it turns out i may be making regular visits in the next week plus.

My grandma took a slight tumble two days back. Ok thats putting it mildly. She fell, dislocated her left shoulder and broke her hip.

Needless to say, things have been chaotic since the phone call. Mom and dad have been running left right and centre making arrangements for the procedure, talking to doctors and informing the family who left Malaysia years ago in search of greener pastures. They had the hip replacement done this afternoon and my moms going to be camping by her bedside this next few days. My dad is going to be lots of shuttling to and fro with fresh food and clean clothes. And i've been left to navigate the domestic scene. Crap! I'm not exactly your regular domestic goddess, i hate sweeping and vacumming and dusting etc. I only like the cooking bit. But i hate the cleaning. I'm like a domestic monkey. Look at me making this about myself, wht the heck is wrong with me.

I feel really bad for my granny, having to go through all that pain. But i cant help being a little annoyed with her. She's old, and she's not exactly at the pink of health. We've told her repeatedly that she cant be as active as she was before, she needs to slow down and take life easy a little. Over and over again we've tried doing things to ease her daily activities, we make effort buying her aplliances to help with her work and all that jazz. We tell her she cant travel long distance, she needs to have someone with her all the time, she needs to start delegating work instead of doing it, she needs to sit down and take a break!!! But there she was taking a huge photo frame off the wall when she lost her balance..

She's a strong willed woman. Who am i kidding she's stubborn :)

Watching her hooked up to machines, looking more thin and frail then she did when she was on her feet, thinking about how she's going to react to having to go through physiotheraphy.. i guess i freaked out a little. I hope she gets well soon, i want to see her in that kitchen making our favourite dishes and boiling way too much rice again. I'm not very good with the words when it comes to talking about stuff like this. Just keep her in your thoughts, during prayer time would be nice.

The low down

Floating on the high i started the week with, everything seemed to flow by relatively well. Started work on Tuesday with the sense that i could achieve anything and no one or nothing could get in my way. Didnt take much to drop that enthusiasm to just getting by on a day to day basis and being happy with where i am now. I guess it was this whole turning 24 thing. I started wondering how much different i am since i turned 23. Everything that stared me back in the face seemed pretty much the same. Drew the conclusion that i led a pretty boring life. No big achievements to shout about or no engaging in funky extreme sports to hold bragging rights to.

But then Wednesday came along and the spirits lifted a little with the many sms msgs and phone calls holding birthday greetings. As one wise young man so eloquently put it in our conversation, I've done pretty well if i judge myself on a normal 24 year olds standards and not compare myself to people who have more than me - that way i'll always be unhappy - and he's right i guess, by normal standards i suppose i aint doing all that bad - i got a steady job, i got myself a car, i still havent been ousted from the family yet and have managed to stay in a doting steady relationship for two years (beleive it or not that is a standard for woman my age) plus i have a great community who love me.
And it showed that night too. The parents and the brother took the trouble to throw me a surprise birthday party, and i was blur enough not to realise what was going on until Bill walked in, even with the screw ups by a few others. I felt very loved all around. That was some great blueberry cheesecake wasnt it?

By the time Thursday came along deadlines where staring me in the face with a vengence and i was religiously procrastinating getting started on them.


By the time Friday came along i swore i'd do it over the weekend and got myself completely wasted by mixing the grape and the grain. They still sit as ramdom jottings and scketches in my notebook, yet to be documented and arranged as how they rightfully should be. Tomorrow i promise, at least an hour before the due time. I like to believe i work best under preassure.

Saturday saw me doing something i thought i'd never do in a lifetime. Clubbing with my boss. I tell you, what a blast that was. Seemed like that was a night everybody learnt a little something about each other that we dont usually see in the office.

Enough about me already. I'm going to finish my night reading about a schizophrenic twin and how his brother takes it apon himself to save him.

Who is my silver lining...

And here i was thinking that just another special day would go by, me here and Aji there and another number to add on to the 'it'll make it more special when we are together on that day finally' list. Sure, i figured something pre-birthday will be done this weekend since i'll be down south. When it did happen, it totally blew me over.

I didnt help by throwing a tantrum earlier and blowing my own surprise. Its amazing how much of patience Aji had, and held on to telling what the plans were, right till the very last minute. Even then, i was still blown away.

He took me to Mirchis, where we had a table reserved in the corner just for the two of us. Sticking true to its tagline, its decor, ambience, service, food and everything embodied the many spectrums of India. I felt like an Indian princess sitting in my throne, soaking in the richness around me. The walls were lined with intricate mirror and bead work, and soft Chiffon sarees hung from the walls. The furniture were all wooden and had complex carvings lining them. At some corners, they even had settings where the guests can dine on the floor. Chimes hung from archers, and statues stood grandly at certain corners. Completing the aura was the soft fushion of the many indian classical intruments and at some points, calming carnatic singing. The food was great, I stuffed myself quite shamelessly.

We sat there opposite each other just taking the situation in. I dont quite know how to describe how i was feeling, but i know the sarcasm, cynicsm, stupid jokes or annoying part of me was gone. Aji knew i dig all these fancy dinner setups from time to time, he knows i like to be pampered and waited apon..and he did everything to make me feel so special I would just trivialise it by even trying to describe how wonderful he made me feel then, how wonderful he made me feel about him, how thankful i was he has so much faith in me.

When we were both gastronomically(sp?) satisfied with the great food, and me slightly tipsy from my first adventure with a dry Martini, we went for a walk along the esplanade and took in the view from where we dined. Now i felt like i was in a movie. You know, the one where the girl watches the guy for so long, wishing he would ask her out, then he finally does and the whole night moves along just perfect. Where the veiwers watching would think its so corny and wonder why directors run the same line at every romantic movie. I will never find scenes like that corny again. I felt like i was living one!! We walked along the river, with the lights from the magnificently lit buidlings across dimly casting shadows that followed us and the wind gently blowing in my hair. Where we hold hands and dont say anything and feel the stares of other couples watch us walk by cos we had just content spelled on out faces.

Just when i thought nothing could get better it did. I walked into the house after all that expecting to find a dark lonely house, and to break my bubble of romantic splendour and head to bed. But instead i walked into a hall with lit tealight candles spread all over and love ballads playing in the background. It took me a good two minutes to realise what was going on and when i did he sprung another surprise on me. From the room, out came Wall (the guy not the part of the house) with a chocolate cake ladened with huge strawberries and sugar stars and 24 candles. Both of them spent the next 30 minutes or so indulging me and i was touched beyond words.

I know i have a great community around me, who would do alot to make me happy. But the effort that went into that night completely overwhelemed me. Everything was planned and executed with such detail that there was nothing for me to not like. Go ahead and label me materialistic if you think i'm getting high over an expensive dinner and fancy activity. But thats not it. The adoration i saw in Aji's eyes as he sat across the table from me made me shrink in guilt for all the times i whined about him not making enough effort -- made me wish i could be as patient and as doting as he is...

... Made me wish i could be at least half of what he is for me, to him.

*** Update: I reread this post and some areas sounded really corny. It wasnt meant to be on how great the restaurant was or how beautiful the view was... but i just couldnt find the words to describe what i felt that night. This post just doesnt justify the goings on outside..and inside..

TGIF

And thus begins my weekend of Aji lurving, expensive everythings, culinary experimenting, many many card board boxes, packing, unpacking, good old fashion company, boon tong kee, debate kids who only know me as "aji's girlfriend", nick names, wannabes and a lot of other things Singaporean.

So much for wishful thinking

I woke up this morning still thinking about how you walked away, even though its been two nights since.

It amazes me, how people can assume what is bothering me and react to without confronting me about it. Agreed, that I was bothered with the circumstances. Maybe I should have told them about it instead of hoping that it coming from a different voice would sugar coat and line the situation. But I never took it out on those concern. You assume that my actions to you were because of what I thought about the whole thing. Maybe you should have taken two minutes to think that there is a possibility I was flat tonned, unresponsive and unsympathetic because I had a long day and a lot of things on my mind. Not everything is about you.


You know before that night,I was upset that you were so unwilling to try to stretch..because i thought making this happen was important to all of us. There i agree its my fault for expecting people to have the same enthusiasm as i do..and again i agree that peoples priorities differ.. and i also agree that i didn’t like it that we were second best because this was pre planned and everybody KNEW it was coming up. If it was any different from what I was thinking, the mature thing to do would have been to make me see it.

But now its so fucking petty. It’s not about the plans anymore. Its about how you treated me like a piece of furniture. And who says I have to shut up and take it.

Turn around and tell me I did the same and I’ll ask you at which point exactly because I remember every single moment of.

I agree I’m not exactly the best or easiest person to be friends with...but i never deliberately hurt my friend’s feelings just to make a point. And i take a lot of shit from a lot of ppl..and i still dun make them a peripheral . So if i've gotten to a point where she can do that so easily then maybe I should try too. Maybe its my fault you know, for getting so involved in my friends and their lives ..because that builds expectations..and that builds a false impression that you're important to them. Maybe its just so much smarter to be one of those occasional people who drop by and bring cake and buns to make up for their lack of involvement. It does seem like most people prefer interference in the form of a gift or a good night out then a concern comment or willful eye. Its a lot less hurtful that way

Someone told me that I can be very dismissive when I’m upset. That in turn makes people less likely to talk things out with me, which sets more room for assumptions and emotions to rule the day. Ironic isn’t it, cos all I want at those points is for them to talk it out with me.

At first I was just looking for hope that things would work out, and reached for another source to extend that. If that came across differently, then step up and ask me about it. Then I was angry you chose to trivialize everything we’ve had based on hearsay and assumptions. Now I’m hurt you wanted to make your point by hurting my feelings. Let me just shake your hand on that cos you did a great job there.

Call me a drama queen, but I’m not the one who rolled my eyes and ignored my friend.