I know i am a worry wart.

Ever since the latest revelation in the saga that is my relationship (ref: Previous post) i have all these gazillion questions running through my head.

More then just what or how i will come across to his parents, now is also the time we've got to start deciding what we want to do with our lives - together.

We've covered that he'll come here, now we have to work on building him a life here, thats individual from mine. I know all the love stories will tell you that love conquers all. Well it wont. If we don't have joint income, we wont be able to get ourselves property, automobiles and the beautiful lifestyle we want together. So yea, public announcement here, if anyone knows anyone who knows anyone who would be keen on hiring an Indian national with a Singaporean PR who would love to work in Malaysia, and is a robotics engineer by profession, you know my email!

Securing a job would seem like the easier part. Then there is the whole buying stuff thing. I'm the kind of person who doesn't read contracts, just sign at the bottom. Every time i need to get something that involves huge amounts of paperwork done, i go with my dad or my brother. They figure out which is the best loan, which has the lowest interest, which has good market value bla bla.. in other words, they do the hard work and i just tell them what i want. Now, i'll have to be involved in the whole process and it all just sounds so daunting.

Plus the thought that both sets of parents might start talking about the M word keeps flying through my mind. I mean talk about it okay la we talk about it too. But you know, i'm worried they'd go beyond just talking about how drunk Logan and Praba would get , or how I would most probably cry or how the dinner will be a bbq. Yes we want it to happen too, more then ever but there's all these other things to worry about. This whole thing has so many sensitivities its worse then a hindi movie. Theres the whole civil ceremony vs cultural ceremony. Then the whole which location, Then the whole when(?!?!), i mean, we're not even close to ready, Look at our bank balances, combined even we're not halfway there. Then there's money, OH GAWD the money questions don't even get me started there! I want the biggest most gorgeous wedding in the world!!!!! Like, seriously. For real.

I have no more finger nails to chew on!!

I feel like a wreck just thinking about it and they're only going to be coming in a few months time.

Oh woe be my finger nails..

*runs hysterically through office corridors*

Another page turned

Saying yesterday ended with joyous news would be an understatement. Its news that could probably change my life. News that could mean i would have to grow up in a matter of months. News that could mean every time i've said 'we'll cross that bridge when we get there' is soon upcoming.

I've always feared the prospect of meeting Aji's parents. I mean, I've looked forward to it, but doing it also scares me. Simply because i know that i'm not exactly the ideal daughter in law that they've dreamt off for their only son. And i dont know what they're expecting. Do i say hello, or do i say welcome to malaysia, do i say its good to finally meet you, or do i say i've heard so much about you. Or would they be expecting a girl who doesnt say much at all!? Will they be waiting for a flaw to show, or will i be in such a mess that all the flaws will show one after another? I dont expect them to immediately be accepting of me simply because their son wants them too, yet i'm hoping they wouldnt be looking for a moment to go 'hah see we knew this was a bad idea'.

Heck, Aji took all the nonsence from my end, i guess its fair that i take what ever comes my way with grace. They're probably just as anxious as i am. I suppose it's part of things falling into place. I'm glad they've finally agreed to meeting me and my family, at least...

I'm just so afraid of screwing it up..

Logan repeated a line from The Alchemist when i started whining to him about this, and its going to me my new tag line.

"If its your destiny, the universe will conspire to make it happen"

A special dedication

I’m actually quite flattered that you chose to dissect my sms to you in a blog post. I would have been impressed however; if you defended your sms to me like you say you were doing your actions.

Don’t patronize your coach by saying his actions may be due to his better half. You wouldn’t want me patronizing you by saying most of yours are also due to who used to be your better half.

I said you were sly and cunning because you did do it behind his back. Because you made no effort to discuss with the person involved until it was over and the damage was done. Because of the manner you handled it. I have no question of what your action was and in whose service it was intended to, I only hate the effect it had on my loved one. Not your club, but my better half.

Now let me tell you why I perceive there are sides. Because there are people in your club, not your coach, but your friends who come and tell me there are. Because your friends repeat incidents that happen between you and repeat quotes like ‘its either you’re with us or against us’. She volunteered the information to me, with no insighting what so ever. In fact, she actually asked me on advise for how she can get back at the lot of you. Again, not from your coach but from your buddy. Your good ole buddy. Maybe you should get her to watch what she shares. I can name you a few other members from yours and my squad who were present when she was doing that, if you’ve lost all trust in me.

Now you know what is really pissing me off? Just as how defensive you are over your club, so am I over mine. And now I hear that you and your friends have had a jolly good time spreading stories about my club and actively using some of the names of its members. That’s right, I’d like to ask your terrorist friend where she gets off telling the new kids that my brother, pulled her and your team A aside last year and told you guys that your coach lost the Asians money, and therefore had to burrow the money from him to pay the rego. It was bad enough you hurt Aji dude, to mess around with Logan’s name is just pure stupidity on who evers part.

Now I’m really annoyed with you. If you knew of this story and made no effort to rectify it then you truly deserve all those negative labels against you. Here is what really happened, dear terrorist friend.

The money was given by two members of team A to the third member to pass to the coach to be passed to me, so I could pay the rego. Instead the third member chose to lend it to a friend. And that friend never paid him the money back. The money never touched the hands of your coach. You wonder then how your team A managed to make it to the Asians?

I PAID FOR YOUR FUCKING REGO, FOR ALL OF YOU. OUT OF MY OWN FUCKING POCKET. And I never asked you, any of you for a cent back, the only thing I reprimanded you for was for lending your friend the money in the first place. RM 1800 in total and I did it willingly because I had faith and confidence in the three speakers who would have been denied the chance if not. I saw a team that could excel and I wanted you to, sincerely. I still have the receipts and the bank transfer sheets for you non believers.

So go ahead and call me a non member, but revel in the fact that if I didn’t do that you would have never, never gotten the experience and victory you have to your names now.

What are you going to do? Find another way to blame this on your coach? You going to say it was his idea to lend your friend the money? Whatever it is dude, they trusted you with the money, you withdrew it from Ballestier and you gave it away without a second thought. Fact is your team mates trusted you with that money and you failed in fulfilling the responsibility of getting rego paid.

And where the hell does your terrorist friend get off telling your new kids that one of my members is a slut who likes to sleep with white men?

Don’t you or your posse fucking dare spread another story with anybody from MMU involved. And tell your beautiful team mate that if she ever calls my coach a ‘fucked up adjudicator’ again she will be bitch slapped so hard she wont see tomorrow.

As much as it may disappoint you to know, my better half actually never takes my opinions when it comes to training you, if he did that cancer you love so much would have been gone long ago.

I take up your offer for confrontation any day. Because I would love to tell every body the stories I know and have it all out in the open. But if you and your friends don’t have the truth to speak about then I suggest you all shut the fuck up. You want to play dirty and say i too speak of your clubs members, sure i do but its the truth only and i will defend it to my dying day.

I was upset with you for hurting your coach, but don’t think you and your buddies can get away with tarnishing the name of my squad and its members.

Breaking down the wall.

Over the weekend i realised that some of the fears i had in this person that i held very dearly all came true and this morning it was just confirmed

Its amazing how easily you are swayed from the people who truly show you hope and love. I want to be bold and say all it takes is to give you something, but then i realise that we too gave you that and it went unnoticed, and in return i dont want to start assuming why we mean less then them. But I would like to think we have done more. We stood by you when you had the most difficult times, but you credit them for it. We encouraged you, we gave you hope and we gave you all the motivation you needed, and you still find some way to credit them for it. We made sure you had a freaking roof over head but yet you would rather credit them for it. Hell, we even comforted you when they hurt you, yet you will find some way to defend that as well. I dont think want to fool myself anymore by thinking that you do actually care for us, and that all that we were doing you appreciate.

I am so thankful that the debate society i come from is a family. I love the way our successes are shared across the board, and when one team does well everybody else is genuinely happy. I love how we have such a strong bond, that even if one of us stumbles and fall - be it personal or professional - we will be there backing each other up. I love how even if we have fall-outs with each other, in the debate arena we are a team and we are each others biggest cheerleaders. I love that there is no politics or power struggles. I love that there is no arrogance and show of superiority. I love that there is no team A or team B, only team MMU.

Its amazing how you have one credential to your name yet your heads have gotten to the size of Russia. I hate to imagine what it would be like if you broke into the international scene. Your arrogance will eventually be your downfall, when you realize that the only way you can get to top is when people are with you in that journey, and one day people will give up trying to find that nice kid we all knew once upon a time – the kid who ate humble pie and therefore, made us genuinely root for his success. Don’t flatter yourself by thinking you and your team deserve a glorified label, take a step back before your skills take a back stand to all your self glorification.

Another thing I love about my debate squad is how everyone helps each other, and knowledge is shared without any hesitance. How we truly want the newer kids to be able to beat the more senior debaters some day.

Are you so insecure with yourselves that you find it difficult to share your knowledge and your experience with your juniors who truly look up to you? Or is it purely out of the selfish need to hold on to that top spot. Let me tell you all something, they’re capable of creaming you, all three of you.

I’ve been known to be someone who’s very vocal with her opinions. If someone has hurt me or the people close to me and they make no effort in redeeming themselves, I see no reason as to why I have to polish their egos. But because you are blinded by your feelings and emotions, don’t take my opinions and thoughts and share it with other people as something else against me.

I heard that you trivialized my opinions of your beloved as propaganda. Rest assured, I would not put active energy into actually lobbying for anything about her. The only person I try to do that with is you, because I truly care for you and I was there when she hurt you. But who am I to think that was actually a bad thing for you right.

And finally, you speak of karma, but you don’t realize that karma is not in what you receive from others, but in what you do unto others.

If you havent noticed already, you've disapointed me, which is worst then pissing me off.

Back to basics

Basked in Pulau Kapas for the past 3 days, was largely to appease Ange, and also to spend some time with her before she leaves for her great European adventure. Nevermind that we see each other in the office everyday, we needed a change in scenario.

And what a change it was alright. See, my holidays are usually packed with activity. As much as she warned me that Kapas isnt high on the list for to-dos at the back of my mind i still thought we'll be having a jam packed 3 days. The only activity the island is famous for is snorkeling and diving - and i'm waterphobic.

Topping it off we stayed at a backpackers joint, a hut built with wood, where you sleep under a kelambu, electricity is from 7pm to 7am and the water is rationed. Not annu's idea of dream holiday.

Dont get me wrong, i'm glad she dragged me there, or more like my sense of not wanting to dissapoint her made me put on a cheerful front and go (though i'm sure she would content the cheerful front part). You see, i spent a good two and half days on the hammock, that was tied between the coconut trees which shaded the whole island. And it was rest much needed. And i had all the time in the world to think about everything. Seriously, everything. It was the only holiday i could walk barefeet for two days and no one blinked, i could move between two worlds - the world of bare neccesities where we stayed and then the posh resort next door where we went for most of our meals. Which i also went to bare feet.

And i did go snorkeling. I was scared and held to Ange's hand for dear life, but the minute i saw the underwater world all that agonizing was well worth it. For that half hour i felt like Ariel! I saw nemos, clown fish, parrot fish, dories, moray eels, a snake(!), a whole other fish i couldnt name, i even saw a ship wreck! It was awesome, i was in a different world. We even went shark hunting (just to watch not to catch) but alas, maybe next time.

Its amazing how much you can learn about a person when you are forced to spend days with them. Having no tv and no boat to mainland gave us lots to talk about. We may not agree on everything, but she's someone who listens, and i can share alot with, and i'm going to miss buckets full when she takes off in that plane.

Hyperactive gastric juices wait for no man!

I think I’ve written about this before, but it still happens all the time so it warrants further mentioning. I hate waiting. It used to frustrate me to bits when I was still dependant on public transport and had to wait for the bus on its neurotic schedules. I get annoyed when I’m stuck in a jam waiting for the car to move two inches forward. I don’t like waiting for the lift, heck I even get annoyed waiting for the kettle to boil. I don’t proclaim to be punctual all the time, but I try my level best, and the fact that I seem to wait for people more then people wait for me I guess shows that I have some sense to what I’m saying. Mmm?

Over the weekend my family and I waited an hour plus for relatives to arrive for dinner. I love these relatives to bits; they’re some of the better ones, the ones who just do no wrong. Except when I’m on an empty stomach and have an aching arse from my dinner being massively delayed. Actually the aching arse was due to extremely uncomfortable chairs. But what ticked me off more that night was the way my dad responded to when I suggested we start dinner with the people who were at the table first, not finish dinner without the much expected guest – but just start. My dad just exploded. He raised his voice and told me off for being disrespectful and for thinking of being so rude to my elders, for even having the audacity to suggest such a thing maybe I shouldn’t join further family dinners.

Yikes, take a chill pill pop.

I reiterate I love those relatives we were waiting for endlessly. But an hour and half? I was so embarrassed and angry at how my dad treated my suggestion (in front of everybody may I add) I just shut up and sat there with the blackest face yet. I don’t know maybe it’s just me, but I think respecting other people’s time is not age sensitive. And when I have children I will teach them just that. To always respect the other people in your company’s time. Never have people wait for you and if you have to, call. Most of all, I would never scream at and oppress their views the way my dad did. I’d rather nurture them to be capable of sharing, voicing and defending their opinions then having them keep their feelings inside – be it anger or disappointment or frustration. Especially when they are opinions that make sense. Hmph!